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Thursday Jun 28 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled President Obama's healthcare mandate is constitutional. This is a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it, and a major setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years creating it.

If you're an illegal immigrant in Arizona hoping to become a citizen so you can get free healthcare, this is the greatest week of your life.

CNN was first to announce the decision, but they got it wrong. They said the healthcare mandate was struck down. Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it.

According to a poll by National Geographic, 65 percent of Americans said President Obama would better handle an invasion by space aliens than Mitt Romney. Well sure, once the aliens landed they'd see there's no jobs and they'd go home.

Conan

According to a new report, marijuana is the most popular drug on earth. So better luck next year, bath salts that make you eat someone else's face.

A man is filing a lawsuit against Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, claiming they have ties to al-Qaida. When al-Qaida heard this, they said, "Please do not lump us in with those maniacs."

New Jersey Chris Christie is under fire for calling a politician he doesn't like an "S.O.B." Meanwhile, Christie calls a politician he does like a "B.L.T."

Late Show with David Letterman

Call me old-fashioned but what I love best about the Fourth of July is all of the flags. Of course, they're all made in China but still it's the sentiment.

Mitt Romney reminds me of the guy in high school who only has friends because his parents have a swimming pool.

The minute Madonna checks out of a hotel, her own security team comes in and scrubs the place clean, retrieving any samples of DNA left over. It's all erased. So there's no sign that Madonna was ever here. Wait a minute. Didn't Lady Ga Ga already do that to her?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's a great day for President Obama. His healthcare law was upheld by the Supreme Court. The president apparently had three speeches ready to go this morning. One if the law was overturned, one if the law was upheld, and one if Joe Biden chewed up the other two.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.

Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It was reported that House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi wore her lucky purple shoes for the Supreme Court’s healthcare ruling — while House Speaker John Boehner wore his lucky orange face.

For several minutes after the ruling, CNN was mistakenly reporting that the Supreme Court struck down President Obama’s healthcare law. In response, CNN was like, “Thank God no one watches us.”

Pittsburgh Penguins star Jordan Staal was traded to the Carolina Hurricanes last weekend while he was getting married. Not good — you never want to find out on your wedding night that your husband’s playing for the other team.

Tonight we have director Oliver Stone on the show. At least that’s what the government wants you to believe.

 
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