Tuesday Jun 26 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Analysts, according to The Wall Street Journal, say the weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. So basically the worse the economy is, the lower the price of oil. Do you know what that means? If Obama gets re-elected, gas could be free.

Former President Jimmy Carter has criticized the U.S. for using drones to kill terrorists. A lot of people agree with Carter. They're all terrorists, but they agree with Carter.

Rielle Hunter announced she and John Edwards have broken up. That's scary. When a lying cheater and his home-wrecking mistress can't work things out, what chance is there for the rest of us?

A new study says it is OK for woman to drink during pregnancy. Well, why not? Most of them were drunk when they got pregnant in the first place.


The latest rumor is that Mitt Romney's running mate will be a white male from Ohio. Or as Romney refers to him, "a person of color."

Today Joe Biden said the only place Mitt Romney has created jobs is in China. This has sparked an angry rebuttal from Romney spokesperson Wen Cheng-Bao.

For the first time ever, Saudi Arabia is going to allow women to compete in the Summer Olympics. The rumor is that Saudi women are excellent runners — because they're not allowed to drive.

In July some McDonald's workers will debut their new uniforms inspired by the TV show "Mad Men." Also inspired by the 1960s: their wages.

Late Show with David Letterman

The subways here in New York City now have Wi-Fi. I love it because now in the morning on my way to work I can check my e-hate mail.

Did you know the "Today" show is four hours long? It's like a telethon.

Regis Philbin will be hosting the fourth hour of the "Today" show with Kathie Lee Gifford. Of course, the Supreme Court has to rule whether it's constitutional.

Egypt has a new president — Mohammed Morsi. How many of you attended the Mohammed Morsi fundraiser at Sarah Jessica Parker's house?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Spice Girls reunited today to announce a new stage play based on their music. It will be like "Mama Mia," but crap.

The play will feature all their hits — "Tell Me What You Want" over and over.

Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don't need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.

It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things — a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that a record number of America’s wealthiest citizens are renouncing their citizenship to avoid high taxes. Which explains why today Donald Trump claimed HE was born in Kenya.

Yesterday in New Hampshire, President Obama said Americans need someone who will wake up every single day and fight for their jobs. Then he said, "But until we find that guy, I'm still your best choice."

Over the weekend, a man in Tennessee was kicked out of a Kenny Chesney concert because he looked too much like Kenny Chesney. That actually happens a lot — in fact, my grandma was kicked out of an Aerosmith concert for looking too much like Steven Tyler.

Rapper 50 Cent is doing fine after he was involved in a car accident last night. There was a lot of damage, but fortunately his insurance covers him up to like, 75 cent.

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