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Monday Jun 25 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Jerry Sandusky was found guilty on 45 counts. Penn State did not release a statement on the Sandusky verdict. As usual they're going to wait 10 years before they say anything.

Experts say Sandusky is headed for a special circle of hell in the prison system. See, you never hear about the good things the prison system does.

Gas prices are expected to drop to around $3 a gallon by this fall. The price drop is the result of a complicated system. It's called the election.

A group of gay Republicans called GOProud has endorsed Mitt Romney. There was some confusion. When they heard Romney had a reputation for going either way, they didn't know that meant flip-flopping.

Late Show with David Letterman

Anybody go to the big gay pride parade over the weekend? I like the gay pride parade. Everybody dresses up. Where else can you see a 300-pound guy in a cocktail dress?

This weekend is the swim around Manhattan Island. You go to the Hudson, up the East River, and then back down the Hudson, 28 miles around Manhattan. The winner gets a trophy and hepatitis.

Political candidates have to be very inventive when it comes to fund-raising because there are federal laws. So Mitt Romney had a thing where if you would give him $50,000 you could spend the weekend with him. And for an extra $5,000 he will let you touch his hair.

Republicans are now talking about President Obama, saying he's not much of a president. They're also saying he is a lousy vampire hunter.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things You May Not Know About The United States Supreme Court

10
For summer promotional campaign, it's been renamed the Taco Bell Big Beef Supreme Court
9
Public courtroom seating has a two-drink minimum
8
Under rare circumstances, decision is handed down based on applause
7
Court mascot "Supreme Kurt" is available for parties and corporate events
6
Prior to oral arguments, the justices spend 15 minutes discussing "Hot Topics"
5
Court basement features an indoor gavel range
4
Thanks to grass-roots Internet campaign, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will host "Saturday Night Live"
3
For the last two weeks, Chief Justice John Roberts has been out on jury duty
2
Fridays are "robe optional"
1
Antonin Scalia: Vampire Hunter
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I've got to change stuff. Then I'm not doing it.

Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election.

President Obama would be affected too. Because if there's no more Hawaii, where would he pretend to be born?

I think if any state has a chance to come up with a technological solution to rising sea levels, it's California. In Hollywood, we're going to do our part by making a crappy reality show about it.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, Mitt Romney held a retreat for his donors, which included dancing. At one point, people started doing “The Robot” — or as Romney calls that, “The Me.”

Mitt Romney’s weekend retreat also included a buffet dinner. Which explains why Governor Chris Christie’s invitation got “lost in the mail.”

Two female sprinters may have to do a coin toss after they tied in an Olympic qualifying event. The coin toss will last just a second, while NBC's coverage of it will last about a day and a half.

A new survey found that Tampa is the vainest city in the U.S. In fact, they’re so vain they probably think this joke is about them.

 
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