Friday Jun 22 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Congratulations to the Miami Heat. They are the new NBA champions. The fans are going nuts. In fact, last night 10,000 more Cubans came over to Miami just for the party.

That punishing heat wave is still continuing back east. Back home on the Jersey shore, it wasn't so much the heat, but the stupidity.

The Chicago police are sponsoring a gun buy-back program. Anyone who returns a gun, no questions asked, gets a $100 gift certificate in return. To which attorney general Eric Holder said, "Why didn't I think of that?"

According to a British poll, you've only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don't run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There is a really good movie coming out. The movie is called "Brave," by Pixar. It's set in 10th century Scotland. Animators used actual photographs of Scottish forests to get that look. And when I say "Scottish forests" I'm referring to Sean Connery's chest hair.

Sean Connery's chest hair is the number one tourist attraction in all of Scotland.

I've heard some people criticize the movie "Brave" because it has bears in it. They say there are no bears in Scotland, but there are. You just have to know where to look. Try the Revolver Bar. There are a lot of bears there. Buy 'em a drink, they'll let you hibernate in their cave.

A couple of years ago I did a voice in "How to Train Your Dragon" and I'm doing the sequel next. They're from DreamWorks. I worked with DreamWorks and Disney-Pixar, who are supposed to be rivals. It's like an East Coast/West Coast thing. I could end up getting shot by Goofy.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Congratulations to LeBron James, who won his first NBA Championship with the Miami Heat last night. The Heat had a great plan for getting LeBron to play better in the fourth quarter: telling him there was a fifth quarter.

Yesterday President Obama released a new commercial aimed at female voters. Which explains the commercial’s title, “Fifty Shades of Change.”

A new survey found that only 30 percent of Americans are confident in the country’s public schools. It’s pretty bad — for my niece’s history final, they’re just taking the kids to see “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.”

This week a woman in Florida got into trouble for groping a TSA agent while she was getting a pat-down. Or as the TSA put it, “The student has become the master.”

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