JokesPageHeader
     
Thursday Jun 21 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It was 100 degrees in New York City. It was so hot, you know Solyndra, the solar company? They actually made money.

It was so hot, Attorney General Eric Holder was selling water guns to Mexican drug gangs.

According to federal reports filed yesterday, the Obama campaign spent more money than they raised in the month of May. They spent more money than they raised? Well, that's called being a Democrat.

A House committee is now recommending that Attorney General Eric Holder be cited for contempt of Congress. Now, don't confuse that for what you and I have. That's contempt FOR Congress.

Conan

Mitt Romney has accused President Obama of pandering to the Latino community. The president said he's too busy to comment because he's watching Telemundo and eating chalupas.

The Supreme Court has decided not to fine broadcast networks for fleeting expletives or momentary nudity. It looks like "Wheel of Fortune" is about to get a lot more interesting.

Today the Supreme Court ruled that TV networks can show momentary nudity. So, by popular demand, "The View" is now a radio show.

Late Show with David Letterman

It's the official beginning of tourist season in New York. Remember, you can only shoot two tourists.

This weekend begins Gay Pride Week. Their big parade begins on 12th Street and ends in Sarah Jessica Parker's shoe closet.

Tip of the hat to Abe Lincoln. Here's a guy who had his hands full and still found time to hunt vampires.

By the way, when you buy the ticket for the new Abe Lincoln vampire movie, all of the facts and activities in the movie have been authenticated by historian Doris Kearns Goodwin.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Summer Blockbuster Films About Presidents

10
Jurassic Polk
9
Franklin Delano Robocop
8
Harding and Kumar Go to White Castle
7
The Trumanator
6
Prometheus S. Grant
5
How Bubba Got His Groove Back
4
Herbert Hoover: Fully Loaded
3
Buchanan vs. Predator
2
James Monroe: Male Gigolo
1
Dude, Where's My Birth Certificate?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There's a heat wave on the East Coast. In New York City right now, the heat is driving the bees crazy. This bee infestation is scary. New Yorkers are tense, on edge, and ready to snap at any second. Then they found out about the bees.

If you're ever attacked by bees, here is what you have to remember. Stop, drop, and roll. The bees will still sting you. But it looks so funny when you're rolling around with bees on you.

Experts say the most reliable way to make bees docile is surround them with huge billows of smoke. That's why Willie Nelson has never been stung by a bee.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There's a new study done in Denmark that says moderate amounts of alcohol during pregnancy does not affect the baby's mental ability. It seems like they could have waited a couple of more months until Snooki had her baby to release this information.

Danish scientists tested these women while they were pregnant and the risk of negative mental affects was the same for children of mothers who don't drink at all. Up to eight drinks gives them a nice buzz and leaves their IQ unchanged. Good work on that, scientists.

The Euro Cup is going on in the Ukraine. Portugal beat the Czech Republic. It was the highest scoring match in soccer history, 1-0.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new report found that President Obama's campaign spent $6 million more than it raised last month. Which explains why his latest campaign ad ended with the phrase, "I'm Barack Obama and I'm selling some old CDs on Craigslist."

A new survey found that only 31 percent of Americans would want to sit next to Mitt Romney on a flight. Romney was so upset, he was like, "I don't understand. How would they get on my private jet?"

Just 31 percent of Americans said they would sit next to Romney on an airplane and 57 percent would rather sit next to president Obama — while 100 percent would want to watch them have to sit next to each other, just have them go at it.

There was a big Twitter outage in the U.S. today. Or as people at work put it "Well, I guess I better get back to Facebook."

 
Email:
 
Retype Email:
 
Country:
 
Zip Code:
Your e-mail address and personal information is confidential as stated in our Privacy Policy.
 

Newsmax, Moneynews, and Independent. American. are registered trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc. Newsmax TV, NewsmaxWorld, NewsmaxHealth, are trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc.

 
NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
©  Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved