Wednesday Jun 20 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

There is a record heat wave back east, close to 100 degrees in New York City. The temperatures are higher than President Obama was in high school.

In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they're being paid to protest. They said they're being paid by Democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Well, who says President Obama isn't creating any new jobs?

For the first time ever, Asians are immigrating to this country more than any other minority group. But unlike other groups, Asian immigrants are just here to do the jobs Americans aren't smart enough to do.

Our space probe, Voyager 1, launched back in 1977, is 11 billion miles in space. It's on the verge of leaving our solar system on its mission to find other civilizations to try and borrow money from.


Last night on the premiere of a new reality show, Bristol Palin confronted a man in a bar and demanded to know why he hates her mother. In response, John McCain said "Leave me alone, I'm having a drink."

It's being reported that the U.S. military has created tiny drones the size and shape of insects. They don't kill anybody but they can totally ruin al-Qaida's summer picnic.

Yesterday it was reported that the U.S. Navy recovered 19 tons of marijuana that had been dumped into the ocean. And then two hours later the Navy invaded Taco Bell.

Late Show with David Letterman

Today is the longest day of the year. It's the summer solstice. So don't forget to reset your clocks.

Here's how long the day is. It won't get dark until tomorrow.

It's so hot that earlier today I saw a nun rolling an ice-cold can of beer on her neck.

Mitt Romney's picking up a head of steam. He's roaring and ready to go. He says if he's elected president he will also consider hunting vampires.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's a great day for "Twilight" star Kristen Stewart. She is now Hollywood's highest-paid actress. Last year she made $35 million. So if you break that down, it works out to $35 million for every emotion she can play.

New York City reached 102 degrees. That's the first time all year the temperature in Manhattan was higher than the age of Barbara Walters.

It was so hot that New Yorkers fired Mayor Bloomberg and hired Mayor Iceberg.

It was so hot Lance Armstrong injected himself with cold lemonade.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today was the last day of spring, which means if your Christmas decorations are still up, you might as well keep them there.

Tomorrow is the first day of summer. Here's an interesting fact. A hundred percent of people who use the word "summer" as a verb are awful people. Did you know that?

For the first time in history, the number of Asian immigrants coming into America is larger than the number of Hispanic immigrants. Now even our immigrants are being made in China.

Bristol Palin's new show premiered on the Lifetime network. It's funny how many of Lifetime's shows are targeted to people who have no lives at all.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today President Obama used his executive privileges to withhold documents about the weapons operation called Fast and Furious. I don't know what's scarier — that we can't see those documents or that the government is naming operations after Vin Diesel movies.

There is talk that a "Sesame Street" movie is in the works. It got weird when Cookie Monster was like, "Me willing to go nude if done tastefully."

There's a new website called Sexy Mandarin that uses half-naked models to help you learn Chinese. Or in other words, there's a new website where you won't learn Chinese.

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