Monday Jun 11 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Lindsay Lohan is OK after she totaled her rented Porsche. People who witnessed the accident were stunned. They couldn't believe Lindsay Lohan still has a driver's license.

Authorities said today they've ordered a psychiatric evaluation. Not for Lindsay — for the idiot who rented her a Porsche.

Commerce Secretary John Bryson has been cited for felony hit and run after he crashed into a car. Then he drove away and hit another car. He said he had a seizure — to which Lindsay Lohan said, "Why didn't I think of that? I had a seizure."

A new government survey shows that teenagers are now smoking more marijuana than they are smoking cigarettes. Experts say heavy pot smoking by young people impairs thinking, distorts perception, and can be a gateway to the White House.


It's great to be back in Chicago. Illinois Rep. Derek Smith has been accused of accepting a $7,000 bribe. If he's found guilty, he could serve up to four years as the state's governor.

The last time I did a late-night show in Chicago, my guest was an up-and-coming senator called Barack Obama. And now just six short years later, he's gone on to become a socialist Muslim from Kenya.

It's been reported that Kanye West is getting ready to propose to Kim Kardashian. Today Kanye said, "I can't wait to marry Kim and get started making the worst family on earth."

British Prime Minister David Cameron has admitted he accidentally left his 8-year-old daughter in a pub. Cameron was immediately named an honorary citizen of Chicago.

Late Show with David Letterman

Ron Paul's son is a senator from Kentucky, and he's now endorsing Mitt Romney. I know how that feels. My son watches Jay.

Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.

You know what he did with that money? He took Warren Buffett to lunch.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today in San Francisco was Apple's annual Developers Conference. It was announced that there are now 650,000 apps available online. And that number will continue to grow as long as people will pay a few bucks to enjoy them. This is also true of Kardashians.

I got my long-awaited colonoscopy last week. I was going to upload the full video, but decided to hold off on that, mostly because I want Morgan Freeman to narrate it.

With new technology, the patient can see what the doctors see. Ever looked at your colon on a monitor? My colon is better lit than my show.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new report found that Mitt Romney’s economic plan would not have any effect on unemployment. When he heard that Romney’s plan wouldn’t make any difference, Obama was like, “Hey, that’s MY thing!”

At a recent speech Obama said he wants to build an economy where hard work pays off. Which explains why Obama’s approval rating just went down by three Kardashians.

Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy featuring out-of-work Americans. It gets weird at the end when he says, “I’m Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people.”

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