Thursday Jun 07 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

There was another drone attack ordered by the White House last night. They sent Joe Biden out to give a speech. He was just droning on.

Mitt Romney's got to think about picking a vice president pretty soon. And it's kind of a tough situation because political pundits say he needs to select a running mate that is duller than he is. The only problem is that guy is already vice president.

There were some tense moments yesterday during President Obama's visit to Los Angeles. Three private planes drifted into his restricted air space. And as you know, the president's restricted air space can be penetrated only by people donating more than $35,000.

DC Comics has come out with the news that superhero Green Lantern is gay. In fact, when he heard the news, Batman turned to Superman and said, "I told you."


It's been reported that Facebook pays their interns $74,000 a year. In a related story, our interns get paid in warm, orange Shasta.

A new study claims that coffee drinkers live longer than people who don't drink coffee. Of course, they spend so much time waiting in line at Starbucks that it evens out.

Comedian Bill Mahr has purchased a minority share of the New York Mets. He's going to change the team's name to the New York Smirking Atheists.

Late Show with David Letterman

Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed giant cans of soda. When you outlaw stuff it creates crime. I saw a guy today walking down the street and a cop is arresting him because he's got a huge can of soda, and he said "No, no, this is medicinal Mountain Dew."

Now Mayor Bloomberg wants to make something else illegal. He wants to remove the third layer from a club sandwich.

Another al-Qaida No. 2 guy was hit by a drone. I'm telling you, these al-Qaida leaders, they don't last as long as a Kardashian marriage.

I'm proud to say once again this year we were nominated for a Tony Award — for biggest waste of a Broadway theatre.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Other Superhero Revelations

In his promiscuous 20s, Aquaman contracted 'Goldfish Ick'
Two things turn Bruce Banner into the Hulk: anger and humidity
Doctor Strange lives in White Plains
Mr. Fantastic spends none of his salary; lives entirely off personal appearance income
Superman's two weaknesses: kryptonite and Haagen-Dazs
When Green Arrow gets Green Lantern's mail, he just throws it out
Hellboy had to go to the prom with his Hellcousin
Ghost Rider once had license suspended; for six months was "Bus Rider"
The Flash struggles to slow things down in the bedroom
Spiderman's alter ego's full name: Peter Jessica Parker
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama’s campaign is spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial hitting Mitt Romney’s business record. Though Obama’s made some bad business moves too — like spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial.

Former GOP candidate Rick Santorum said he’s planning to make a big announcement tomorrow. It’ll probably be something really huge like, “Hello shoppers, we’ve got a 2-for-1 sale on Tide in aisle five!”

Yesterday, the Dow gained almost 300 points to have its best day of the year. Yeah, 300 points — which explains why today, the Heat tried to trade LeBron for the Dow.

The founder of USA Today recently referred to Donald Trump as a “clown.” Even clowns were like, “Are you kidding? That guy’s hair is ridiculous.”

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