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Wednesday Jun 06 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

I had a terrible nightmare last night. I dreamed that I was a union member in Wisconsin who loved the Miami Heat.

Governor Scott Walker won his recall last night in Wisconsin. Who would have guessed the governor of Wisconsin would have been a better closer than LeBron James?

CNBC is reporting that America lost 129,000 millionaires last year. Or as Mitt Romney calls them, "an endangered species we have to protect."

A review of studies by physicians found that excessive exercise is bad for your heart. Another study says a daily serving of chocolate is actually good for your heart. That's got to make next year New Year's resolution easier to keep. "I'm going to exercise less. Eat a little more chocolate."

Conan

Tonight the L.A. Kings could win the Stanley Cup. People in Los Angeles haven't been this excited since they watched their first hockey game — on Monday.

There's a rumor that President Obama will stop by today's L.A. Kings hockey game. He doesn't want to draw attention to himself. He just wants to blend in with all the other black, Hawaiian hockey fans.

Taco Bell is launching a new upscale menu at all their restaurants. That's good news for anyone who has ever wanted to experience classy diarrhea.

Late Show with David Letterman

Astronomy is fascinating, and yesterday there was an eclipse. Venus was involved along with the sun and the Earth. The depressing part is it won't happen again for another hundred years. It's like a Mets no-hitter.

Hey, guess who's gay? Green Lantern. His superpower is decorating on a budget.

Not only that — Green Lantern is hosting the Tony Awards Sunday.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Subject Lines of Emails Received By Mitt Romney

10
Meet other attractive Mitts in your area
9
Newt here, regarding the VP job
8
Reminder: It's been over a month since you've purchased a Cadillac
7
Confirming your 2:30, 5:30, and 9 o'clock haircuts
6
20% off at beach-house-car-elevators.com
5
Nice slacks, bro!
4
Your Marie Osmond tickets have shipped
2
If I vote for you, can I ride your dancing horse?
1
Warning: your hacked password is about to expire
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It’s being reported that Mitt Romney’s personal Hotmail account has been hacked. Yeah, Hotmail. Even Ron Paul was like, “Get with it, you old geezer!”

Speaking of Mitt Romney, his campaign is in the news for misspelling several words on his promotional items. Today, Romney issued a press release that said, "I'll get to the bottom of this, or my name isn't Malt Ramrod."

The weather in the northeast has been unseasonably cold this week. Yeah, people here are still waiting for the heat to show up — you know, just like basketball fans in Miami.

Hey, I want to wish a happy 56th birthday to tennis great Bjorn Borg. Yeah, I got him a gift card to his favorite store — Bjest Buy.

 
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