Tuesday Jun 05 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Forget the Mayans. According to NASA, the world will not come to an end for another 4 billion years — or about the same time your 401(k) comes back.

The No. 2 guy in al-Qaida has been killed. Who says Obama isn't creating job openings?

Former Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak has been sentenced to life in prison. You know, it's too bad we couldn't get the John Edwards trial moved to Egypt.

According to People magazine, Rielle Hunter, the mother of John Edwards' love child, is releasing a new tell-all book this month. It's a memoir about their relationship. She didn't write it herself. She used a ghost skank.

Late Show with David Letterman

Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head.

Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy, was engaged to a 22-year-old woman and then at the last minute it fell apart and they didn't get married. Guess what? They're back together. Once again they're sharing his adjustable hospital bed.

What 22-year-old American girl doesn't dream of one day marrying an aging smut king?

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The National Spelling Bee champion's name is Snigdha Nandipati. Every Spelling Bee champion's name sounds like it came from an explosion at a Scrabble factory.

Snigdha won by correctly spelling JWoww with two w's at the end.

Presidential primaries were held in California, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico, and South Dakota today. Both candidates for president — Obama and Romney — have already clinched their nominations. So today's primaries were mostly for people who really like stickers.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible.

A new survey found that Mitt Romney is ahead of Obama among those who make $36,000-$90,000. Or as Romney put it, "And they said I can't connect with the poor."

New York is considering a law that would keep people out of jail if they were caught with small amounts of marijuana — which explains why stoners are like, "It's a cop. Hide most of the weed."

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