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Thursday May 24 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It's been a rough week for Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg has lost so much money in the market that President Obama is going to have him replace Ben Bernanke.

The Center for Responsive Politics reports that President Obama has become the first politician in history to raise $1 billion in his political career. Imagine how much more he could have raised if people hadn't lost it all in his economic plan?

A Pakistani doctor who helped the CIA hunt for Osama bin Laden has been convicted of high treason in Pakistan. He was sentenced to 33 years in prison for helping us. Think how much worse the sentence would have been if Pakistan wasn't our ally.

New research shows that eating organic foods can make people more arrogant and judgmental. In fact, eating just one handful of organic bean sprouts has the same effect as driving 1,000 miles in a Prius.

Conan

U2 singer Bono may have made over $1 billion from Facebook going public. A spokesman for U2 said the band is still going to tour but only because the drummer invested heavily in MySpace.

A new study shows current members of Congress speak at a 10th grade level. When reached for comment, Congressman Eric Cantor said, "Nuh-uh!"

A new report just came out and it claims that good cholesterol may not be as beneficial as previously thought. This is really bad news for Domino's new good-cholesterol-stuffed pizza.

The Miss Universe pageant was last weekend and the transgender Miss Canada did not win. Apparently judges were not impressed by her talent — having an Adam's apple.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

In New York City it's Fleet Week. Navy ships dock so sailors can go into the Big Apple to party. I just hope the sailors remember to be careful on the streets of Manhattan. One wrong turn and they could find themselves backstage at a Broadway show.

The Navy was founded by a Scotsman. John Paul Jones was his name. Then he went on to play bass for Led Zeppelin.

Historians say Americans might have lost the Revolutionary War if John Paul Jones hadn't played a 20-minute Mellotron solo at the Battle of Brandywine.

The Navy always appealed to me because I always liked the submarine movies. My favorite is "The Hunt for Red October" where Sean Connery played a Russian who had a Scottish accent.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We're excited because we have a new show premiere tonight here on ABC, a singing competition show. It's about time somebody did one of those.

Each of the new show's stars say they are in search of undiscovered talent, which I don't think we have anymore, to be honest with you. In fact, I think we should start forcing some of our existing celebrities back into obscurity.

Here's how a TV pitch meeting goes. "Ok, so, it's a singing competition, and . . ." "Stop right there, we love it. We're putting it on."

A new "American Idol" winner for the fourth year in a row is the white kid with the guitar. This one's name is Phillip Phillips. It will be hard to forget someone with that name, but I have every confidence that we will.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Britney Spears is planning to launch a new fragrance called Fantasy Twist. That sounds like something John Travolta gets at the end of a massage.

Happy birthday to Bob Dylan, who turned 71 years old today. When he made his wish, God was like, "No clue what he just said."

A Disney cruise employee is being investigated for stealing a passenger's iPhone. If he's found guilty, he'll be given a really tough punishment — eight more years working on that Disney cruise.

 
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