Wednesday May 23 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Police in South Dakota arrested a 53-year-old man formerly from Chicago who's trying to climb Mount Rushmore. The guy is in his 50s, from Chicago, and he's desperate to get on Mount Rushmore. Oh my God, it's Obama!

Just two weeks after a felon in jail got 41 percent of the democratic vote in West Virginia, President Obama got embarrassed again in Arkansas yesterday when an unknown lawyer got 42 percent. See, that proves once and for all that there's only a 1 percent difference between a lawyer and a convicted felon.

Four Secret Service agents fired for that sex scandal decided to fight their dismissal. The lawyer said they didn't realize the women were prostitutes. Is that the best argument when you're trying to get your job back in the Secret Service? These guys are supposed to be experts at picking people out of a crowd. Can't spot a hooker? Really?

A new study says that people who snore have a higher risk of cancer. But the good news is: Hey, at least they're not losing any sleep over it.


An Arby's served a customer a sandwich with a piece of human finger inside. The manager apologized and gave the customer some free hair in his shake.

That's one of those jokes where it's hard to get past the premise of the joke. Everyone is just thinking about the finger in the sandwich and thinking, how could you tell?

Now I'm being told that Arby's is one of our sponsors. Well, I'll tell you how you can tell. One's a human finger. The other, the best-tasting sandwich you'll ever have.

A new survey just came out and it finds that sex is better when you're on vacation. Yeah, at least that's what my wife emailed me from the Bahamas.

Late Show with David Letterman

It's easy to be critical of the United States, and people love to try to take us down. But I want to tell you something. Here in the United States of America we produce more three-day weekends than any other country in the world.

The guy who invented the TV remote control passed away. And with him died the secret of what the SAP button does.

Eugene Polly invented the TV remote control. He will be buried between two couch cushions.

Last week JPMorgan lost $2 billion. Well, this week they lost another billion. So that's $3 billion. I've been thinking, "Geez, to lose that kind of money you've got to be shopping at an airport."

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At A Barbecue

"We're out of charcoal — light up a tire"
"Who wants to lick the grill?"
"That ain't lemonade"
"If the smoke from the grill bothers you, just crack open a window"
"Ten minutes until lockdown"
"Why is my hot dog wearing nail polish?"
"Hello 9-1-1? It's me again"
"Look, Dave's here"
"Please, Mom, put your top on"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I was watching "The View" and Barbara Walters talked about losing her virginity. Call me old-fashioned, but I think that's none of our business. That should be between Barbara and King Arthur.

Yesterday on eBay, a buyer paid $18,000 for a pair of Queen Elizabeth's underpants. He said buying them was easy. The tough part was getting them off her.

One of tonight's "American Idol" finalists is a young dude named Philip Phillips. He's either a finalist or the winner, I don't remember. The name Philip Phillips sounds like lazy parenting.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Marvel Comics announced that their first openly gay superhero, a character called Northstar, is getting married. Mitt Romney came out against this because he believes marriage is a sacred bond between one super man and one super woman.

Tonight we witnessed the season finale of "American Idol," and when all the votes were counted after 19 weeks of competition, our new idol is Colin Crystal. Actually I just made that name up. There's no Colin Crystal. I have no idea who won. I don't watch.

I'm just happy to report that "American Idol" is done for another season.

Now that "American Idol" is done, Jennifer Lopez will go back to making three commercials a day while Steven Tyler returns to his day job as a mannequin.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today, members of the Secret Service told the Senate that there’s an unwritten rule amongst agents that what happens on the road stays on the road. Not to be confused with that WRITTEN rule — that they shouldn't have sex with prostitutes.

Here’s an election update. Today Mitt Romney met with a group of wealthy Latino business owners. Or as Romney calls them, “the Juan percent.”

A recent survey found that more men are finding work in fields that are historically dominated by women. I heard it from a nun at my church — Sister Gary.

After losing billions of dollars, Mark Zuckerberg is being sued for hiding Facebook’s weak financial report. Apparently he put it somewhere no one will ever look — MySpace.

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