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Tuesday May 22 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Facebook has lost so much money that founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named an honorary board member of JPMorgan.

Congratulations to former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. The city of San Francisco has named a street after her today. It's called Botox Avenue.

Two new studies have found that people who snore have a higher risk of cancer. Although in most cases, the spouse will smother them with the pillow long before the cancer takes them.

Bad news for CNN. They just had their lowest rating in 15 years. Their ratings are so low that today Jesse Jackson turned them down for an interview.

Conan

Mark Zuckerberg got married a couple of days ago. At their wedding, Zuckerberg's wife wore a dress that cost nearly $5,000. That is until the dress went public. Now it's worth $2,000.

A new report suggests that Christopher Columbus may have secretly been Jewish. What tipped historians off was Columbus' diary entry where he described his journey to America as "a real schlep."

Bagged salads across the country have been recalled due to contamination fears. Luckily this is America, so none of the salads were touched. God help us if something happens to our Doritos supply.

Khloe Kardashian is refusing to take a paternity test to determine if she's actually a Kardashian. She said, "I think my record of fame without talent speaks for itself."

Late Show with David Letterman

DC Comics has announced that one of their superheroes may be gay. I've got my money on Dog Groomer Man.

Republicans are trying to raise money, so Mitt Romney's checking under his couch cushions.

It's the 20th anniversary of Johnny Carson leaving "The Tonight Show." Here's a guy, Johnny Carson, the best ever, and he knew when to leave — unlike me. My plan is I'm going to stay here until it's sad.

Remember Al Gore, the tubby vice president? He has a new girlfriend — that is unless the Supreme Court takes her away from him.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The man who invented the TV remote has passed away at the age of 96. But here's what I'm wondering. Is he dead, or does someone just need to change his batteries?

According to a survey, the second worst traffic is here in Los Angeles. I think traffic here actually moves pretty well. It only gets jammed up if something terrible happens, like a light drizzle.

I admit that I get angry in traffic when driving to work. But it's pointless. It's much better to bottle up that anger and then unleash it when you get to work.

The best way to avoid road rage is to relax. You can meditate, sing songs in your head, make a to-do list. Those are all tricks I developed while interviewing Regis Philbin.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

One of the pioneers of TV passed away over the weekend. Eugene Polley, who invented the wireless remote control, died at the age of 96. He created the remote in 1955. Before that, if you wanted to change the channel, you had to scream at your wife in the kitchen to come and change it.

Polley died doing what he loved — not getting up.

Mitt Romney reminds me of the guy in the commercial that buys his wife a Lexus for Christmas with the big bow on it.

There's a parking spot in the Greenwich Village area that will be priced at $1 million. I would love it if whoever buys this spot parks a 1986 Ford Taurus in it.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

While attending meetings in Chicago this week, President Obama stayed at a hotel instead of his own house. It was annoying. When he asked for a wake-up call, they just showed him the latest poll numbers.

The Los Angeles Lakers were eliminated from the playoffs last night after just five games. Yeah, the Lakers fell fast — which explains their new name: the Los Angeles Facebook Stock.

DC Comics announced that one of its existing superheroes will be reintroduced as gay. Or as Aquaman put it, “Why is everyone looking at me?”

An 83-year-old man in the U.K. recently became the oldest living kidney donor in history — which is pretty cool unless you’re the guy who just got an 83-year-old kidney.

 
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