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Wednesday May 16 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama released his financial disclosure statement today. It turns out he is now worth over $10 million. So at least somebody is doing well in this economy.

The Justice Department has launched a probe into JPMorgan's $2.3 billion loss. I believe it's called "Operation wink, nod, and look the other way."

President Obama is calling for more government reform after JPMorgan's $2 billion loss. Really, is that what we need — the government stepping in? You know what's going to happen? The government's going to teach them how to lose $2 billion a DAY!

According to a new book, Mick Jagger used prostitutes. But he always felt like he was being overcharged. He said he didn't like to pay them. That doesn't sound like a rock star, does it? It sounds more like a Secret Service agent.

Conan

A Republican official says that Mitt Romney should pick "an incredibly boring white guy as running mate." When he heard that, Joe Biden said, "Thanks, I've already got a gig."

Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 28 this week. He got a watch from his girlfriend, a sweater from his parents, and from the rest of us, all of our credit card numbers.

The Dalai Lama is saying that China trained a woman to assassinate him by putting poison in her hair. Luckily, the Dalai Lama had recently just stopped eating hair.

A janitor has graduated from Columbia University with honors as a classics major. With his new degree in classics, he's now qualified to become a janitor.

Late Show with David Letterman

Barack Obama supports same-sex marriage. Mitt Romney doesn't even support same-sex car pools.

Ron Paul has announced he's no longer campaigning. He's dropped out of the race. Can you tell the difference?

Ron Paul announced to supporters that he was discontinuing his campaign by email. There were two emails he sent out. The first one was blank and then he had to send out the other one.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Virgin Atlantic announced that on a select number of flights, passengers will be able to use their cellphones to make calls. I think I would honestly rather they filled the plane with killer bees than allow this.

Only six passengers will be allowed to make calls at one time, which seems like too many. But Virgin said it will only be used for important calls, like calling to say, "Guess where I'm calling from. Yeah, the plane. I'm calling from the plane."

Today Herman Cain endorsed Mitt Romney. This is possibly very important because as goes Herman Cain, so go the other two black Republicans in America.

Ron Paul made an announcement on Monday, saying he's dropping out of the race for president. This was his third race for president. He ran in 2008 against John McCain and against Lincoln in 1860.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new poll found that Mitt Romney is actually ahead of President Obama among female voters. That explains Obama’s new slogan, “I’m Barack Obama, and I loved ‘50 Shades of Grey.’”

A new app tells your Facebook friends if you're not following your diet. Of course your friends could always figure it out that other way: looking at your photos on Facebook.

There’s a new online reality show premiering this summer called “The Mormon Bachelor.” At the start of the show, the bachelor dates 25 contestants, and by the end he’s MARRIED 25 contestants.

Swedish researchers have discovered a new species of fish. Not to be outdone, Gummi researchers have discovered a new species of bear.

 
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