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Tuesday May 15 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The average college graduate now leaves school $27,000 in debt. But the good news is that now it means they are more than qualified to work as financial advisers at JPMorgan.

The New Jersey tanning mom now says she wants to pose nude for Playboy magazine. Well, Playboy says they're looking for women who are hot, not burnt orange.

The Octomom has finished her porn movie. The producers saved a lot of time on the credits because nobody wanted any.

Yesterday NBC unveiled their new fall schedule. The biggest surprise? NBC is going to be back in the fall.

Conan

President Obama went on "The View." He went on the "The View" because they're the only group of women the president trusts his Secret Service agents to be around.

As of Friday you'll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who's ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, "Now there's a sound investment."

The head of the banking giant JPMorgan has apologized for losing over $2 billion in a bad trade. This morning he said, "Hey, it could have been worse. We could have signed Albert Pujols."

Researchers are developing a stay-sober pill that will prevent you from getting drunk off of alcohol. It's perfect for the drinker who wants all the calories of alcohol but none of the fun.

Late Show with David Letterman

CBS announced they're canceling the show "CSI: Miami." I can't believe it. I called and said, "Are you kidding me? There's nothing more entertaining than watching bodies being dumped in the Everglades."

Television is cruel. You know how the cast of "CSI: Miami" found out they were being canceled? They were doing an autopsy on a guy and they found the pink slip in his stomach.

Same-sex marriage would have men married to men and women married to women. Well, who complains about the credit card bill and who says, "Well, you want me to look nice, don't you?" And who writes the thank-you notes and who just signs their name?

Ron Paul is out of the race, ladies and gentlemen. It's not surprising that Ron Paul quit. Who could keep going at that white-hot pace?

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're Shopping At A Bad Walmart

10
The store is on fire
9
There's a guy living in your cart
8
Hard to navigate around all the crime-scene tape
7
Aisle three is a meth lab
6
Prices are falling, but so are the load-bearing steel girders
5
Palpable sense of despair and ennui (Sorry, that's a sign you're at a regular Walmart)
4
Only thing half off is the store manager's pants
3
Store policy: "You break it, you eat it"
1
The greeter gives you the finger
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Arbroath, Scotland, is famous for two things. It's the ancient capital of Scotland and it's where are where you get Arbroath Smokies. The Arbroath Smokie is a national treasure. It's the tastiest morsel to come out of Scotland since Susan Boyle.

The Arbroath Smokie is a fish. They salt it overnight and hang it in a big Smokie barrel. They end up so tender they literally melt in your mouth. Going to Arbroath without trying a Smokie would be like going to New York without trying the pizza or going to Miami without trying the cocaine.

You should never confuse a Smokie with a Snooki.

When I came to Arbroath when I was about 10 years old, I remember it being a dark and rainy town. I'm beginning to suspect that Scotland isn't dark and rainy, that it's just my memories that are dark and rainy.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Rerun.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama raised $1 million at a fundraiser hosted by Ricky Martin. Obama thanked Martin for his contribution to the campaign, while Joe Biden thanked him for his contribution to Menudo.

Officials in London plan to use high-pitched and painful sounds to disperse large crowds at the Olympics this summer. Or as the cast of "The View" put it, "Looks like we're going to the Olympics!"

A man was arrested at the JFK airport with cocaine hidden inside bottles of nail polish and sticks of deodorant. The man might have gotten away with it if he hadn't hidden the drugs inside two other things you can't bring through airport security.

Police in California just burned 34,000 marijuana plants that were growing in a state park. The police were very angry about finding all that weed until the wind changed direction.

 
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