Monday May 14 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Mitt Romney has jumped to a seven-point lead over President Obama in a national poll. I think Romney's starting to get cocky. Today he threatened to pin down Joe Biden and pull out all of his hair plugs.

President Obama was in Nevada this weekend. Finally some good news for the Secret Service — a place in America where prostitution is legal.

JPMorgan announced they lost $2 billion last quarter. That's 133 Obama-Clooney fundraisers.

You know who the real J.P. Morgan is, right? He's Captain Morgan's drunk brother who's bad with money.

Late Show with David Letterman

Over the weekend Betty White endorsed Barack Obama. I think I'm going to wait and here what Angela Lansbury has to say.

JPMorgan lost $2 billion in bad trades. They made bad investments — for example, those gay wedding chapels in North Carolina. What were they thinking?

Mitt Romney once lost $2 billion. Then he found it in another pair of pants.

Now they are starting to dig up stuff on Mitt Romney. One time he was arrested for disorderly conduct and being a public nuisance. It was when he was a kid. He had one of his hairs out of place.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Shakespeare is inaccurate. When I read "Hamlet," I was disappointed it wasn't about a little ham.

Glamis Castle is on a 14,000-acre estate. It has over 50 rooms, seven of which are now Starbucks.

A secret room is apparently in Glamis Castle. It has been walled off. I have a secret room in my house too. It is covered in Ryan Gosling posters.

The queen mum moved to Glamis Castle when she was 4. Later, during the Second World War, she refused to leave when London was being bombed. At night, my guess is she would put on a bat suit and fight crime.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

During his commencement speech at Liberty University, Mitt Romney revealed that his campaign staff loves Chick-fil-A. The other thing he revealed? — that he doesn’t know what to say in a commencement speech.

We have Chef Gordon Ramsay on the show tonight. I thought he burned something when I saw smoke backstage — but then I remembered we also have Willie Nelson on the show tonight.

This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It’s great — now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.

On Saturday President Obama and Joe Biden spent more than four hours playing golf together. Joe Biden’s handicap is 20, while Obama’s handicap . . . is Joe Biden.

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