Friday May 11 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

I have been busier this week than Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to go shopping for Mother's Day.

For Mother's Day, Hooters is giving away free chicken wings to all mothers who come in. So Take your mom to Hooters. What better way to let her know she's failed as a parent than taking her to Hooters for Mother's Day?

President Obama was in town last night for a big fundraiser at George Clooney's house. They want to have a fundraiser with lots of celebrities so the choice is pretty much George Clooney's house or Promises rehab center in Malibu.

Today Mitt Romney apologized for holding down Michele Bachmann's husband and cutting his hair.

Late Show with David Letterman

You know what Sunday is, right? It's Mother's Day. I'll get up early Sunday morning and send mom a heartfelt tweet.

Here's a little trick I learned from Regis Philbin. When you take mom out on Mother's Day, when the check comes, you run to the men's room. Just let mom take care of it.

Anybody seen "The Avengers"? Donald Trump is in it. He wants to see Captain America's birth certificate.

North Carolina has outlawed gay marriages, and today San Francisco outlawed straight marriages. What's going on?

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Your Mother Doesn't Want to Hear on Mother's Day

Good news. We're putting you in a home!
Eat up — this brunch also counts for Thanksgiving and Christmas
"Love" is too strong a word, but I don't dislike you
You're starting to look like Eli Wallach
Get out now, the cops know about the meth lab
My psychiatrist said I should call
For old time's sake, would you pre-chew my food?
Sorry ma'am, you're banned from this tanning salon (cut to shot of the Tanning Mom)
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Sunday is Mother's Day. There's a Jewish proverb that says, “God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers" — which is my favorite Jewish proverb right after "Stay thyself far away from Mel Gibson."

My mother did so much for me. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here. I mean here in California. When I was 40, she kicked me out of the house. She bought me a one-way ticket to Fresno.

My mother and I have disagreed on some things. But I think that's balanced out by her love, affection, and all those times she posted bail.

As I get older, I realize that my mom shaped me into who I am — a bitter, alcoholic comedian.

Jimmy Kimmel Live


Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Sunday is Mother’s Day. My mom’s the best — for years, she fed me, washed my clothes, read me bedtime stories. But then last year, I got my own place.

Hooters is offering customers 10 free chicken wings on Mother’s Day. And 45 REALLY uncomfortable minutes with your mom.

Members of the “Geek Squad” are complaining that Best Buy is making them work off the clock. But they got revenge — today, they took a red audio cable and put it in the yellow visual input.

Yes, the Geek Squad was forced to work overtime. You can tell they’re busy — in fact, last week they had to cancel nine “Star Wars” re-enactments.

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