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Tuesday May 08 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Vice President Joe Biden has come out in support of same-sex marriage. President Obama never endorsed gay marriage. But now he's in favor of gay Secret Service agents.

Rick Santorum is here tonight, making his first appearance on our show. I haven't seen Rick this excited since he endorsed Mitt Romney.

Facebook has revealed their estimated net worth — $96 billion. That's almost as much money as businesses lose every year from their employees wasting time looking at Facebook.

New predictions out today claim 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop that is for the government to step in. Oh yeah, when it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, what better way than the U.S. government?

Conan

Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney at 11:00 last night. When reached for comment, Santorum said, "When I can't sleep, I try endorsing Mitt Romney for president and it puts me right out."

Apparently Rick Santorum endorsed Mitt Romney last night very late via email. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer.

President Obama's re-election campaign is focusing very hard on Latino voters. That explains President Obama's new campaign slogan: If you squint, I kind of look Puerto Rican.

Late Show with David Letterman

Lindsay Lohan was in New York having dinner with Woody Allen. Nice going, eHarmony.com.

Rick Santorum gave Mitt Romney his endorsement. So Mitt gets all of Santorum's delegates and all of his sweater vests.

They're looking for a vice president for Mitt and I said to forget the vice president. You ought to be looking for a personality for Mitt.

I hate to dampen everybody's spirit but they busted up another one of these exploding underpants plots. All I can say is thanks a lot, underpants bombers, because now at airport security we have to put our underpants in a tray.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You'll Never Throw A No-Hitter

10
You wear a glove on both hands
9
The altitude of the mound makes you dizzy
8
You performed your own Tommy John surgery
7
Your pitches tend to bounce
6
You spend most of the game sipping cocktails in the players' wives section
5
You can pitch only when no one's watching
4
Last guy you struck out was Phil Rizzuto
3
You're allergic to the rosin
2
You're still not sure if you're a righty or a lefty
1
Most teams don't let the mascot pitch
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I'm sure both candidates will fall over themselves telling you how much they support public education. Yet neither of them has ever sent any of their kids to a single day of public school. But I'm sure that's the only area in which they're a wee bit hypocritical.

These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.

I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.

They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Last night Rick Santorum finally endorsed his former rival for president. This is the fun part where people who say bad things about each other suddenly pretend they're on the same team. It's like a "Jersey Shore" special.

Usually they do these on TV together, but in this case Santorum made the endorsement in the 13th paragraph of an email he sent out just before midnight. Sounds like somebody had a bottle of sparkling apple cider for dinner.

Santorum woke up this morning and said, "I endorsed who?"

In the email, Santorum acknowledged his differences with Romney, but said they have common-ground thoughts about the economy and foreign policy. And they both like pleated Dockers.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

In the last year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s approval rating has gone up 12 points. That's impressive. Usually, the only time he picks up a dozen is when he goes to Krispy Kreme.

A new study found that most people can’t go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe.

Most people can’t go 10 minutes without lying. We have a name for those 10 minutes — “job interviews.”

Director James Cameron announced that he is planning to release three sequels to “Avatar.” But come on — none for “Titanic?”

 
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