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Monday May 07 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

France has a new president. He is Socialist François Hollande. He defeated Conservative French President Sarkozy in a presidential run-off yesterday. Of course, Nicolas Sarkozy handed over power in the traditional French manner. He surrendered.

President Obama has his new re-election campaign slogan. It's just one word: Forward. Have you been watching this election? Can we press fast forward? Can we just get this thing over with?

Some good news for that New Jersey tanning mom. Over the weekend at Newark's airport she bought a ticket from New York to L.A. for only $50. Apparently they mistook her for a piece of luggage.

Remember those American hikers that were detained and accused of spying in Iran? Well, two of them got married. They're now on their honeymoon, hiking the beautiful mountains of North Korea.

Conan

In a new interview, Vice President Joe Biden said the sitcom "Will & Grace" made America more comfortable with gay people. Biden also said the sitcom character Urkel made America more comfortable with President Obama.

President Obama says his campaign for a second term is still about hope and change. The president's exact words were, "I hope I won't have to change my address."

France has a new president who lives with a woman that he is not married to. Their relationship is described as French.

Late Show with David Letterman

Anybody watch the Kentucky Derby? Once again it was won by a guy from Kenya.

The horse that I bet on was so slow that instead of a victory party we had to form a search party.

Lindsay Lohan was seen having lunch with Woody Allen. That's a parole violation, right?

After lunch, Woody reported that his glasses were missing.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Superheroes Left Out Of "The Avengers"

10
Captain Paramus
9
Orthodonto
8
The Crossword Puzzler
7
Iron Manilow
6
The Fight Doctor, Ferdie Pacheco
5
The Human Couch
4
Genehackman
3
The Somewhat Credible Hulk
2
The Clap
1
She-Tan
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Yesterday France elected a new president. When the French secret service hires prostitutes, it is not a scandal. It is called test driving mistresses for your boss.

I wish our election was more like the election in France. By that, I mean I wish it was over.

The French president got voted out. So "adieu" to Nicolas Sarkozy. He's riding his "bicyclette" off into the sunset.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

"The Avengers" made an unbelievable amount of money this weekend — $207 million, the biggest opening for a movie ever. If you add in the money made overseas last week, that makes $655 million in 12 days. Finally we have proof of what I've always suspected. We are surrounded by nerds.

Producers are hard at work on the sequel, which is tentatively titled "The Avengers 2: Still Avenging Stuff."

More details about the Secret Service scandal. The "Today" show sat down with the woman who claims to be the Colombian prostitute who got into the argument over how much she was supposed to be paid. NBC made a point of saying they did not pay her for the interview. This woman never gets paid.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday on CBS, Newt Gingrich said it would be "inconceivable" for Mitt Romney to choose him as a running mate. And today, Romney issued a statement saying, "Yep.”

After just one term in office, French President Nicolas Sarkozy lost his re-election bid because he was unable to fix his nation’s economy. Or as Obama put it, "Uh-oh.”

In an interview this weekend, “Jeopardy” host Alex Trebek hinted that he might retire in two years. Or as he put it, "Born in 1940, this game show host wants to sit around in his bathrobe eating ice cream.”

Ryan Seacrest just put his house on the market for $11.9 million. The house has five bedrooms, seven bathrooms, and 6,000 mirrors.

 
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