Friday May 04 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Tomorrow's Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Mayo, of course, celebrates the victory of the Mexican army over the French. You know, if you have to use defeating the French military as a reason to spend the day drinking, you're probably an alcoholic already.

Today in New Jersey, of course, it was Take Your Daughter to a Tanning Booth Day. Did you know that? The mother from New Jersey plead not guilty to child endangerment charges. Her lawyer says she suffers from a condition called "tanorexia."

We are learning more and more from those newly released documents from Osama bin Laden's compound. For example, it said bin Laden was not a great businessman — like when he bought a bomb the salesmen would always trick him into buying the extended warranty.

In an effort to curtail health costs, the Food and Drug Administration is now considering allowing the purchase of drugs without a prescription. You know what that means? One day Americans could actually be able to buy marijuana without ever seeing a doctor.



Late Show with David Letterman

President Obama visited Afghanistan — unplanned, unannounced, just went right to Afghanistan. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney got in his car and drove through the rough part of Beverly Hills.

Mitt's wife Ann Romney, Mrs. Mitt, said there's another Mitt Romney that is wild and crazy. She says that one time he changed his name to Mitta World Peace.

Newt Gingrich has dropped out of the presidential race. Next stop: "Dancing with the Stars."

Now Newt will not be able to fulfill his lifelong dream of losing by a landslide.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There is a big movie opening today: "The Avengers." This is the movie that combines all of your favorite superheroes — except Batman. And Spider-Man. And Superman. And Aquaman. And the Michelin Man. And director Michael Mann. And singer Aimee Mann.

The original comic book has a superhero called Ant-Man. They didn't put him in the movie. But Ant-Man would have been awesome. He could solve any problem, right any wrong, provided it took place at a picnic.

The Incredible Hulk is an Avenger too. I don't find him believable. I have a problem accepting that a guy can turn into a big monster and burst out of his clothes. I just don't buy that he can do it without his pants coming off.

Who else is in this movie? Thor, the dude with long, blond hair and the power of flight. It is like if Fabio could fly.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I would like to wish each of you a happy Cinco de Mayo. I can't believe it's been almost a year since the last time I threw up in a sombrero.

Cinco de Mayo commemorates the victory of the Mexican War. And nothing fills the Mexican community with pride like white people drinking upside-down margaritas at Chili's.

If it weren't for the Irish and the Mexicans, between the Super Bowl and the 4th of July we would have no reason to get drunk.

Heavy marijuana use among teenagers has increased 80 percent over the last four years. Experts say pot smoking can be a gateway that leads to kids experimenting with more serious drugs, like alcohol and cigarettes.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

More than 330 million shares of Facebook stock will be sold later this month. It’s great — now you can own a piece of the website that completely owns YOU.

Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby. Or as stupid hats call it, "Go time!”

If you want to combine your love of Mexico and your love of horses — just order a burrito at Taco Bell.

"The Avengers” made $18.7 million in midnight screenings alone last night — which explains why this morning the entire Geek Squad at Best Buy called in sick.

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