Thursday May 03 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

In New Jersey, this mother has been arrested for taking her five-year-old daughter into a tanning booth, where the girl got sunburned . . . Do you know what this means? There are now people in New Jersey dumber than the cast of “Jersey Shore.” I didn't think that was possible.

Well, as you know, President Obama was in Afghanistan earlier this week, as part of his big "Did I Mention I killed bin Laden?" tour.

President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person . . . So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan. It’s all the same.

Late Show with David Letterman

You know the famous painting "The Scream,” you know what I am talking about? Famous iconic painting of a guy screaming. Well, it sold for, guess what, $120 million. I know, seems a little steep, doesn't it? But it comes with a lovely frame. I mean honest to God. It is a beauty.

President Obama has promised now that we'll be out of Afghanistan by 2024. That’s just right around the corner. That’s the same deal I have with CBS.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Anyway, a new biography about the president states that he took "artistic liberties” in his memoir and says that he “fictionalized details for narrative clarity." That means President Obama just made some crap up. How is this news? He’s a politician. How do you think he got to be the president? You make crap up. You want to be a senator, you come out of college, you start lying and you just don't quit.

It's weird to me what Obama chose to fabricate in his memoir. It wasn't something cool he made up, like hitting six home runs in a little league game, or faking his own birth certificate. No, it was something lame. He just compressed the details of several girlfriends into one character. I'm thinking, oh, very smooth. Because if there's one thing I know that women love, it's being blurred together with other women.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It’s prom season, too, which is why all the drugstores are running so low on baby's breath and Axe body spray.

One of the most anticipated movies of the year, maybe of the decade, comes out tomorrow. It's Marvel’s “The Avengers.” All the super heroes gathered together. And it's nice — it's kind of cool to see all the characters responsible for my virginity together in one film.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Hey, did you guys hear about this? Last week, the brakes on President Obama's limousine were apparently damaged while he was in Georgia. Yeah, Obama tried to call AAA, while Biden tried to call the Geico gecko.

I was just reading about this. Qantas Airlines will start attaching electronic tags to luggage to keep it from getting lost. And they're going to start doing that once they find the suitcase containing all the electronic tags.

This is interesting, you guys. Over 100,000 people have listed themselves as organ donors since Facebook made it an option this week. Which is weird 'cause I've always turned to eBay for all my organ needs.

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