Wednesday May 02 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday. It wasn't as big a surprise as last year's Navy SEALs trip to Pakistan, but it was big.

Vice President Joe Biden stayed behind. He did not go on this trip. Well, thank God for that. What if there had been an emergency here at home and Americans needed somebody to come up and say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time?

Mitt Romney is fighting back at charges by President Obama and Vice President Biden that if Romney were president, Osama bin Laden would still be alive. Romney said if he were president, bin Laden would have died a slow and painful death. He wouldn't have ordered a hit. He would've canceled his healthcare.

President Obama has come up with a new campaign slogan — "Forward" — that's the slogan. And believe me, if unemployment doesn't improve by November, it'll be "Forward my mail."

Late Show with David Letterman

There is a woman who has lived in the same apartment here in Manhattan for 100 years. She moved in in May 1912 right after she broke up with Regis.

The Tony Award nominations were announced earlier today. Once again, Tony Shalhoub is favored to win for best Tony.

Years ago, Tony Randall won the award for best Tony three years in a row.

If you want to go see a play, go see "Death of a Salesman." It's a serious indictment of capitalistic greed at $200 a ticket.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Least Inspiring One-Word Campaign Slogans

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Not such a great day for President Obama. Today he admitted he "made up" a girlfriend in his autobiography. It's a good thing Oprah's off the air because this would have gotten him kicked out of the book club.

Today Travel and Leisure magazine came out with their list of America's best airports. They always give high marks to airports with indoor gardens and yoga rooms instead of stuff that really matters to me, like how quickly I can get out of baggage claim after stealing somebody's suitcase.

A Las Vegas airport got the highest marks for quick security. Of course they did. In Vegas, every other person is a stripper. You just whip off your belts and shoes and you're through in no time.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

A lady got arrested for bringing her 5-year-old to a tanning salon. Guess what state she is from — New Jersey. Is that a crime in New Jersey? In New Jersey, I think they call that day care.

In court today, she pleaded not guilty by reason of "intanity."

Another parent of the year nominee, Levi Johnston, will become a father again — with another girlfriend. They have already settled on a name, and that name is Breeze Beretta. I'm surprised by this. Levi usually makes sound decisions.

Beretta is the name of a gun manufacturer. How bittersweet for Sarah Palin.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Senator Joe Biden and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg played a round of golf together last week. Biden shot an 89 while Bloomberg shot the person who arranged a round of golf with Joe Biden.

A new survey found that a third of Americans would not be able to pass the U.S. citizenship test. It's a real insult to our Founding Fathers — Denzel Washington and George Jefferson.

Levi Johnston and his girlfriend revealed that they will name their child Breeze Beretta. I can't tell if it's a boy or a girl or a Jamba Juice.

A new report found that prostitutes are using Twitter as a free way to advertise. They are getting a lot of retweets from one user — @secret service.

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