Tuesday May 01 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The Secret Service announced that agents will now be assigned chaperones on certain trips. What is that? I thought the Secret Service WAS the chaperone.

Did you see who President Obama brought along with him to keep an eye on the Secret Service on his latest trip? Tim Tebow.

German authorities report they have discovered digital files hidden in a porn movie that outline al-Qaida's plans for more terrorist attacks. I believe this is the first time that a porn film has ever contained a plot.

Legendary poker player Amarillo Slim has passed away at the age of 83. His friends were stunned. They thought he was bluffing.



Late Show with David Letterman

Today is Osama bin Laden day. One year ago they got a hold of Osama bin Laden. Don't we usually celebrate on a Monday?

The SEAL Team 6 broke into his compound and Osama bin Laden never knew what hit him. It's like a Kardashian husband.

Since Osama bin Laden was killed, they say the brand name of al-Qaida has been damaged. Osama bin Laden's death has damaged the brand — that and poor customer service.

You know who's in town today? Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney has not been in New York City since he used to anchor the Channel 7 news.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Surprising Facts About Advertising Characters

The "E" in Chuck E. Cheese stands for E. Coli
Mr. Clean's baldness due to active ingredient alcohol ethoxylate
Though he doesn't really care for Ronald McDonald, the Burger King affords him professional respect
Chef Boyardee won't let his kids eat canned pasta
Even Flo the Progressive Insurance lady is tired of seeing her commercials
While the Kool Aid man identifies as male, he has no gender-specific organs
Tony the Tiger is often reprimanded for shouting "They're great!" at women wearing tight sweaters
In 1997, Joe Camel underwent a silicone hump implant
Off camera, Snuggle the Fabric Softener Bear is a real p****
The Wendy's "Where's the beef" lady's last words were "Where's the nurse?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Rupert Murdoch got some bad news today. British lawmakers said Murdoch is unfit to run a company. Is that news? He's 160 years old. Of course he's unfit to run a company. But perfect to run a Hollywood studio, or Congress.

The report from British lawmakers was officially issued today. Murdoch knew about it months ago — because he hacked into their phones.

Occupy Wall Street is back. There were protests everywhere today. They marched all the way to the White House. It's not easy to get all the way to the White House. Just ask Newt Gingrich.

Occupy Wall Street is in L.A. as well. They were expecting thousands of protesters, but it didn't happen. A lot of people stayed home because there was something very frightening going on in L.A. today — a light rain.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Octomom, who filed for bankruptcy, has agreed to star in an adult film. They're expecting that once it hits the shelves, it could sell tens of copies.

How is it possible that the Octomom resorted to porn before she resorted to "Dancing With the Stars"? I'm not sure who to be sadder for, Octomom or ABC.

Last night I fell and hit my head on the floor, and for the first time this season I actually saw some stars while watching that show.

On Saturday night I was speaking at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner. I roasted the president, some politicians, and the news media. Barbara Walters was there and was upset about a joke I made about her. I don't want to turn it into a feud because I know Barbara will pull my heart out and have if roasted by her servants.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people.

Last week, a hunter in Kansas shot his friend twice because he mistakenly thought he was a turkey. After the first shot, the guy said he wasn't a turkey. But, come on, that's exactly what a turkey would have said.

There's a new restaurant in Oregon that serves food infused with medical marijuana. It's annoying when customers call the waiter over and they're like, "Hey, we never got our appetizers. Wait, did we get our appetizers?"

A couple in Indiana claims that a deer got into their house and filled up their bathtub with water. Even weirder — the deer also lit some candles and put on a John Legend CD.

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