Monday Apr 30 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The Secret Service has withdrawn its protection of Newt Gingrich in advance of him formally announcing the suspension of his campaign. His Secret Service protection was costing us $44,000 a day. I guess they figured it wasn't worth it anymore to protect Newt from all the people trying to ignore him.

President Obama has revealed his new re-election slogan — "Forward." That's a good message for Obama. He's telling voters, "Whatever you do, don't look back at all those campaign promises I made."

Here's a little bit of history. On this day in 1789, George Washington became the first president of the United States after just narrowly beating out Ron Paul.

According to the New York Post, John Edwards has gone from $500 haircuts to $12.95 haircuts at Supercuts. The next haircut he's going to get in prison will be free.

Late Show with David Letterman

It turns out that there is a woman in an apartment on the Upper East Side who has lived in the same apartment for 100 years. So congratulations to Barbara Walters.

A year ago Osama bin Laden was killed. He was executed in Pakistan. They say that Osama bin Laden would be alive today if his bodyguards hadn't been screwing around with hookers.

Osama bin Laden was watching TV when the SEAL Team 6 busted in while he was in there with three wives. Just before the SEAL Team 6 came busting in he turned to his wives and said "Hey girls, let's see who is on "Leno." That was the last thing he said.

Don Rickles is here tonight. The NHL pays Don Rickles $5,000 a year to use the insult "hockey puck."

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways Mitt Romney Begins Conversations With Teens

"How's puberty going?"
"Where do you summer?"
"Do you fellows play sportball?"
"Nice shirt — you know, my friend owns the Gap"
"You teens are just the right height"
"Check out my sick Windsor knot"
"Would you like to see my dancing horse?"
"Raise the roof if your municipal bonds have reached maturity"
Just like this: (video of Mitt saying "Who let the dogs out?")
"Didn't I fire your father?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I had a fantastic weekend. I was doing stand-up comedy in the Pacific Northwest. My first stop was Portland, Oregon. They say there are a lot of hipsters there. What is a hipster? I'm into Doctor Who, vinyl records. Does that make me a hipster? Maybe a dorkster.

I don't want to say people in Oregon smoke a lot of weed, but the state bird is the iguana.

You know what Portland has lot of? Microbreweries. I think they are like regular breweries, but only serve midgets.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I hosted the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner on Saturday night. The entertainment was me and President Obama. He was very funny, and made jokes about the fact that he ate a dog. Some people thought it was undignified for the president to joke about that. Personally, I feel like once you eat a dog, dignity is pretty much out the window. Get what you can out of it.

I was making jokes about the Secret Service while they were 10 feet away from me with machine guns in their hands. President Obama made jokes about them and he didn't get much of a reaction either. They're probably laughing on the inside.

Strange development in the Secret Service prostitution saga. They issued new rules of conduct on Friday, and on some trips they will send chaperones to make sure the rules are enforced. Am I nuts, or is this weird? We have to give the Secret Service chaperones to make sure they don't get drunk and have sex?

We should make the agents travel with their moms. They would be highly trained themselves and will be ready to throw their bodies on any agent who is about to throw his body on a prostitute.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

During a speech on Friday, Mitt Romney told students that if they want to go to college or start a business, they should just borrow money from their parents. That should work fine as long as your parents are Mitt and Ann Romney.

After the prostitution scandal in Colombia, Secret Service agents are banned from bringing guests back to their hotel room. The new policy is raising lots of questions like, "So, your place then?"

Last week, a man running the London marathon stopped 800 yards from the finish line to propose to his girlfriend. Unfortunately, though, a guy from Kenya passed him and ended up proposing first.

There's a new dating site aimed at matching up women who like to travel with men willing to pay for their trips. It's part of a new dating trend called prostitution.

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