Friday Apr 27 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Big medical news — according to the CDC, there's been a huge increase in SSSTDs. Those are Secret Service sexually transmitted diseases. Be careful.

We're learning more and more about that whole Secret Service scandal. Apparently, the prostitutes in Colombia had code names for the different Secret Service guys they were seeing. The main guy, the guy who wanted to keep putting off paying for stuff until later? His nickname was Obama.

Metta World Peace has changed his name again. He's now changed it to Metta Guy's Head With My Elbow.

As I'm sure you know by now, Ron Artest, also known as Metta World Peace, has been suspended for seven games, which means he'll miss at least six games of the playoffs. A related story — the Charlotte Bobcats will miss every game of the playoffs.

Late Show with David Letterman

At Pizza Hut you can now get a giant pizza topped with cheeseburgers. Yes, a pizza topped with cheeseburgers. And listen to this — if you don't have a heart attack in 30 minutes, the pizza's free.

Happy birthday to Jay Leno, who turns 62 tomorrow. If you would like to get Jay a gift, you can't go wrong with giving him someone else's show.

Newt Gingrich is dropping out of the Republican race. People are wondering what Newt Gingrich will do. Well, right now he's working on a half-hearted endorsement for Mitt Romney.

They're calling Newt the biggest gas bag to go down since the Hindenburg.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Pieces Of Advice For Young Athletes

It helps to be 6'5", 240 pounds
Accentuate brown eyes by playing for a team with green uniforms
Trash talking is part of the game, but always follow up the next day with an apology note
After playing on the grass, be sure to check for ticks
Get out now — there's very little money in sports
Tebow already has God — try thanking Ryan Seacrest
Study hard, practice, and spend hours and hours playing "Madden 13"
Keep your head on a swivel, take it one game at a time, and other crap like that
Don't waste your money on fast cars and fast living — invest in tattoos
Talk to friends, family, and clergy about which Kardashian is right for you
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The new movie I'm interested in is "The Raven." There is no other writer like Edgar Allan Poe. Ravens can actually use their calls to express a wide range of emotion. You know who should hire some ravens? Mitt Romney.

"The Raven" was recently voted the greatest poem ever written. It makes sense that Poe became a poet — because the name "Poe" is just a letter away from "poet."

I have to admit I feel a bond with Edgar Allan Poe. He lived in Scotland. I lived in Scotland. He drank. I drank. He shaped the world with his work. I drank.

Poe had a very questionable lifestyle. He married his 13-year-old cousin. Today that would get him a reality show.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

After appearing on our show this week, President Obama has officially become the most televised president in history. Even Ryan Seacrest is like, "Dude, scale it back!”

Happy Birthday to Jay Leno, who turns 62 years old tomorrow. I don’t want to say he’s getting old, but when I visited his garage, 30 cars still had their left blinker on.

I also want to wish a happy 80th birthday to Casey Kasem, former host of American Top 40. When he got up this morning, he was like, "Dropping one spot from 79 last year, here’s number 80 — Me! I’m Casey Kasem.”

Health officials in California are warning that teenagers are trying to get drunk by drinking hand sanitizer. Yeah, it’s weird when you’re like, "I got so wasted last night — I must’ve had like, six squirts of Purell.”

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