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Thursday Apr 26 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Have you been watching this John Edwards trial? I don't know what kind of president John Edwards would have been, but I'm pretty sure he would have gotten along really well with the Secret Service.

Newt Gingrich is going to announce next week that he is dropping out of the presidential race. If you wonder why he's waiting, it's because it takes him that long to gather a crowd.

A new study found that happiness is u-shaped. By that they mean you're happy when you're young, you're least happy in middle age, and happiest again in retirement. You're least happy in middle age — especially when you realize you're never going to be able to retire.

The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes.

Conan

A new Republican ad came out that claims President Obama is too focused on being cool. President Obama hasn't responded to the ad because he's too busy snowboarding with the boy band One Direction.

Texas Governor Rick Perry endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Perry said he chose Romney because out of the one candidate left, he's the best.

A college student launched a group called African-Americans for Romney. After a couple of days he was forced to change the name to That Black Guy for Romney.

Today is Bring Your Child to Work Day — or as it's known at the iPad factory in China, Bring Your Parents to Work Day.

Late Show with David Letterman

Newt Gingrich says that next week he will announce that he is dropping out of the race. Isn't that already the announcement? If you say next week I'll announce I'm dropping out of the race, what what's the point of having the announcement next week?

Today is Bring Your Child to Work Day. As a matter of fact, the navigation lady in my car let her daughter give me directions.

I brought my son to Bring Your Child to Work Day. I brought him in and let him fire a writer.

Bring Your Child to Work Day — that's how we got George W. Bush.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Lesser-Known Animal Ailments

10
Restless tentacle syndrome
9
Limp gizzard
8
Kibble intolerance
7
Goat gout
6
Irritable owl syndrome
5
Angry birds
4
Hoarse crabs
3
Horse crabs
2
Labored meowing
1
Sprained blowhole
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The first round of the NFL draft was earlier tonight. The 32 NFL teams draft in reverse order of how they finished in the standings last year. This means that every year the NFL Draft allows the best young player coming out of college to realize his lifelong dream of playing for the crappiest team in football.

My only question is, why is it "socialism" when the government tries to even things out, but when the NFL does, it's as American as bacon-covered bacon with bacon bits on top.

One of the players picked in the draft was a quarterback from Stanford, Andrew Luck. Sure, he has a great arm and stuff, but I think teams want him because of his name. It can't hurt to have Luck on your side.

Generally, the higher a player is taken in the draft, the more money he ends up making. O.J. Simpson was picked first in his draft. And he went on to make a killing.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today is the 20th annual Bring Your Child to Work Day — or as it's known in China, Thursday.

It used to be called Take Your Daughter to Work Day but then the sons got a lawyer and they had to change it.

It's a great opportunity to show your kids why you come home so miserable every day.

According to a new ABC poll, both Michelle Obama and Ann Romney are more popular than their husbands. At this point, so is asbestos.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new poll found that Michelle Obama has a much higher approval rating than Barack Obama. Which explains Barack’s new slogan, "Vote for Michelle Obama’s Husband.”

While discussing the U.S. policy on Iran today, Joe Biden said that President Obama, quote, "has a big stick." In related news, Joe Biden is now banned from the White House steam room.

There’s talk that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will star in a new movie together called "The Counselor." The script's really good. In fact, their kids gave it 200 thumbs up.

A new study found that being a vegetarian actually improves your mood — while talking about being a vegetarian just ruins everyone else’s mood.

 
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