Thursday Aug 27 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner



President Obama is in Martha's Vineyard this week, and so far he’s played tennis . . . golf . . . he’s gone swimming . . . and now it’s rumored he may play a game of bocce ball. In other words, America is still waiting for its first black president.

Yesterday in Arizona, Sen. John McCain had an out-of-control woman thrown out of a town-hall meeting because she wouldn’t stop yelling at him. So I’m guessing he still hasn’t patched things up with Sarah Palin.

Speaking of John McCain, he says that people are so angry and concerned about America’s future that he sees a revolution coming. McCain said, “I had this exact same feeling in 1776.”

It’s been reported that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been a victim of identity theft. His credit card company became suspicious when they noticed repeated purchases of large, failing American car companies.

Late Show with David Letterman

Summer’s almost over. Pretty soon that thing on Donald trump’s head will go back into hibernation.

Thousands of those stimulus checks the government sent to everybody ended up going to prison inmates . . . well, I’m pretty sure they’ll send them back.

It’s all part of Obama’s “cash for convicts” program.

On Sunday, we celebrate 16 years on CBS' “Late Show” — 16 years! I’ve been torturing people longer than Dick Cheney.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're Dealing With A Ben Bernanke Impostor

10. Keeps offering to "Print ya' up a bucket a 20s"
9. The phony giant, wooly beard taped to his face
8. Claims he's the star of "The Curious Case of Benjamin Bernanke"
7. Doesn't have Bernanke's famous neck tattoo of Tupac and Biggie
6. You ask if the Dow is down and he says, "No, he seemed in fine spirits to me"
5. Business card has "Federal Reserve Chairman" scribbled over "Sears Appliances"
4. You see him eating a chicken salad sandwich (Note: Ben Bernanke hates chicken salad)
3. When you ask if lowering the Fed Funds Rate will create deflation, he says a Keynesian expansion of consumer demand will offset any deflationary spiral, when in fact the real guy would have cited Milton Friedman's belief that the M1 and M2 money supply would be energized by increased volatility
2. He's handsome, but he's not "Bernanke handsome"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson


Jimmy Kimmel Live

The healthcare debate between Republicans and Democrats isn’t slowing down. These town-hall meetings . . . it’s like the whole country is turning into an episode of “Jerry Springer.”

At a town-hall meeting in Phoenix, a woman started screaming crazy conspiracy theories at Sen. John McCain. He had to throw her out of the place, which, to me, is no way to treat a former running mate.

Microsoft had to apologize for a photo they posted on their Poland Web site. Apparently, they turned a black person into a white person in the photo, by replacing his head, but they forgot about his hand. They had to apologize to both of the black people in Poland.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon


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