After winning five primaries yesterday, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan. "Well, I guess you're stuck with me."
Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multimillionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country.
Time magazine is reporting that Lebanon's most wanted Sunni terrorist has blown himself up in Syria. Wow, a lot of these guys have a short fuse.
Not one person was murdered in El Salvador last Saturday in what was the first homicide-free day in nearly three years. The bad news: 50 people got killed during the celebration.
Yesterday Mitt Romney won all five of the primaries. Apparently when you buy four primaries, you get the fifth for free.
Yesterday the Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, "I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama."
Burger King announced that all their chickens and pigs will all be raised cage free. In response, chickens and pigs said, "That's cool. Now let's talk about the part where we get turned into sandwiches."
It's now the law in Southern California that police must screen all adult films to make sure condoms are being used — which explains the LAPD's new motto, "To protect and perv."
Pizza Hut is now offering a pizza covered with cheeseburgers. Finally, for those of us who can still sort of feel our skeletal structure, we get pizza with cheeseburgers.
In the wake of the Colombian prostitution scandal, another Secret Service agent has been removed from his position at the White House and demoted to protecting the animatronic presidents at Disney world.
Mitt Romney gets a lot of criticism because he's kind of stiff. He's sort of aloof. But on the bright side, Mitt Romney is an inspiration to kids all over this country who sadly were born without a personality.
Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is A Jerk
Begins each day by leading a pledge of allegiance to Kim Jong Un
Always asking himself, "What would Donald Trump do?"
Whenever you make a fresh pot of coffee, she dumps it in your lap
Gets upset about not getting to introduce his understudy
Casually walks around the office saying, "I make more than you. I make more than you"
You donate a kidney to her, and she's complaining that it's used
In case of fire, you're told to stay inside and answer the phones
His desk is decorated with photos of your wife
He looks like this guy (cut to Dave)
Always nags you to guard the president instead of sleeping with hookers
I would like to wish those to whom it applies a happy Administrative Professionals Day. It used to be called Secretaries Day. You'll know it has caught on if wives start yelling about their husband, "He cheated on me with his administrative professional."
We had a big police chase here in L.A. It went on for more than two hours. If you live here, a police chase is kind of a nice way to see your old neighborhoods.
The E! network has announced they have reached a deal with the Kardashian family to bring us three more seasons of their reality show. If you haven't been keeping up with them, I will bring you up to speed. They went shopping.
The deal will pay the Kardashian family — get this — $40 million. It's the biggest contract in the history of reality television. It's harder and harder to explain to your kids why it's a bad idea to make a sex tape.
You know Metta World Peace, that guy on the Lakers. Well, he has been suspended for seven games after he violently elbowed another player in the head — which explains his new name, "Metta Real Housewife.”
Speaking of the Real Housewives, tonight on the show we have Caroline Manzo from "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." Because I mean, how else can you top having President Obama?
Yesterday’s show was incredible — we had the president of the United States, Barack Obama, on the show. Obama hung out with me backstage, he did "Slow Jam the News," he gave a long interview — at one point, I was like, "Dude, don't you have a country to run?”