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Monday Apr 23 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Newt Gingrich's campaign is something like $5 million in debt. He is now so broke he's no longer attacking the poor because he is one.

Lakers star Ron Artest — Metta World Peace, that's his name now — was ejected from yesterday's game for a vicious elbow to the head of Oklahoma's James Harden. It was such a cheap shot he was offered a contract with the New Orleans Saints.

But we live in a society that rewards bad behavior. Metta World Peace just picked up an endorsement for elbow macaroni.

A New Mexico company has petitioned the federal government to become the first U.S. business to offer horse meat for human consumption. You can get horse meat on the menu in some restaurants now. So if you're in Albuquerque, avoid the Philly Cheese Steak.

Conan

Mitt Romney has launched a new drive to appeal to Hispanic voters. Unfortunately, his new slogan is "Mitt Romney — I probably employ one of your cousins."

President Obama is proposing to keep student loans cheap as a way to appeal to college students. And if that doesn't work, Obama's going to resort to his second proposal, "free pizza in my room."

Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal. Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible, and do those ladies take Discover cards.

Yesterday was Earth Day, and apparently today is Find Out Yesterday Was Earth Day Day.

Late Show with David Letterman

I'm enjoying this Secret Service scandal. It turned out to be a frisking that got out of control.

One of the Secret Service agents had this woman, and the deal was $300 and he gave her $30. I'm thinking, now wait a minute. I've got no problem with a guy trying to save taxpayer dollars.

These are jobs that should've gone to American hookers.

Kim Kardashian is dating Kanye West. Her publicist says it's for real. In fact they're already planning the sham wedding.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Earth Day was yesterday. Don't worry, I forgot it too.

They estimate that a billion people participated in Earth Day activities. Then they all went back to driving their SUVs to the gym.

For the record, I'm very much against global warming. But I'm also very much against doing anything about it.

In conjunction with Earth Day, the Dutch electronics company Philips released a revolutionary new light bulb designed to last 20 years. Do you think when the guy thought of this, a light bulb went off over his head?

 
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