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Tuesday Apr 17 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Rerun.

Conan

During a campaign event, Newt Gingrich was bitten by a penguin. It was feeding time and Newt and the penguin were fighting over pieces of squid.

There is a record number of Americans now who owe so much in back taxes that they are renouncing your U.S. citizenship. These Americans were offered a place in Nicholas Cage-istan.

In London there's a new service that delivers the morning-after pill to your home by bicycle messenger. And to make sure you don't regret your decision, the pills will be delivered by a kid who is an obnoxious jerk.

Late Show with David Letterman

Rerun.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's a great day if you like paying your taxes. It is your patriotic duty. A painful, annoying patriotic duty.

If nobody paid taxes, imagine what the country would be like. America would be flat broke. All right, we'd be more flat broke.

This year the government will spend a trillion dollars more than it will take in. Experts say 32 percent of our taxes go to defense. And the rest buys hookers for the Secret Service.

According to his tax return, President Obama made $800,000 last year. In fact, the president made so much money that today he endorsed Mitt Romney for president.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

In case you're wondering where your tax dollars go, 21 percent goes to Medicare and Medicaid, 20 percent to social security, 20 percent to defense spending, and the other 39 percent they squander.

I don't mind paying taxes. But what I don't get: When we send in our return, why do we have to put stamps on the envelope? Can't they give us a pass on that?

The IRS is very into social media now. They have five different Twitter accounts. And while you may not be following them, they are definitely following you.

The IRS also has four Facebook pages and zero friends on all of those.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Rerun.

 
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