Thursday Apr 12 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The Obama administration is trying to distance itself from remarks made by long-time Democratic adviser Hilary Rosen. She said that Mitt Romney's wife, Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five who has cancer, has never worked a day in her life. The ironic part — because of that idiotic statement, she may never work another day in her life.

Let me tell you something — if you're the mother of five boys, you never had a day off in your life, OK?

And now, even vice president Joe Biden is furious. He said, "Making stupid comments that hurt the president, that's my job. She has no right."

Rick Santorum has suspended his presidential campaign. He dropped out after spending a weekend in prayer, and then realizing he didn't have one, he dropped out.


In an interview, once again President Obama called Kanye West a jackass. In other words, President Obama's finally found an issue that can bring this country together.

I believe that hardcore social conservatives, liberals, and everyone else is together on this one. I think even Kanye agrees.

Today Newt Gingrich is blaming the failure of his presidential campaign on Fox News. Newt's also blaming the failure of his diet on Cinnabon.

JK Rowling has a novel now aimed at adults. It's called "Harry Potter and the 30-Year Adjustable Rate Mortgage."

Late Show with David Letterman

There is a new medical study that says men make better decisions about life when they're drinking beer. I think I made my best choices in life after about six Coronas.

Everybody knows some of the world's smartest decisions came out of German beer halls.

Charles Manson comes up for parole every year. Once again he was denied. He won't get out of jail until he's 92. What a coincidence — the same deal I have with CBS.

All week long people have been commemorating the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. And police, when it came up, they started questioning Robert Wagner.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's a great day for David Letterman, who is 65 years old today. I called him and asked him what he wanted for his birthday. First of all he's like, who's this? Then he said the same thing he wants every year, for me not to call him.

It's a great day for our friends to the north, Canada. I'm a big fan of Canada, our neighbor to the north populated by the beautiful, docile, bovine creatures called Canadians.

Today the Royal Canadian Mint announced they're getting rid of coins and paper money. They're developing something called the mint chip — which I thought, what, ice cream for money?

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The deadline to file your tax returns is coming up. You only have five days left to frantically dig through your car for Burger King receipts that you can claim were business dinners later on.

There's certainly nothing fun about paying taxes. But you have to remember that all the money goes to a good cause, like paying the salaries of the meter maids who give parking tickets, keep welfare checks flowing to the Octomom — important things like that.

To reduce the chance of being audited, I always send my return tucked into a freshly baked loaf of banana bread.

Arnold Schwarzenegger did something interesting yesterday. On his Facebook page, he asked fans to give him ideas for things to write about in his autobiography. Apparently, he's unfamiliar with the auto part.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday Newt Gingrich gave a campaign speech at a senior center, scheduled between a Jazzercise class and a Bingo game. That’s when you know you’re in trouble – when your campaign speech is the least exciting thing happening at a senior center.

Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, "Unplug me.”

Gingrich spoke to seniors, right before the Bingo game — which was awkward, because one of the Bingo players turned out to be Ron Paul.

Happy birthday to David Letterman, who turned 65 years old today. I don't want to say he's getting old, but today, he read the Top Ten reasons to get off his lawn.

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