Tuesday Apr 10 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Miami Marlins' manager Ozzie Guillen has been suspended for five games because of his comments praising Fidel Castro. Now he's apologizing after talking it over with his good friend Hugo Chavez.

Today was opening day at Dodger Stadium. Actually it was a little different this year. Instead of throwing out the first pitch, they threw out the last owner.

President Obama's popularity is starting to dwindle among well-known liberals like Matt Damon and Gene Simmons. In fact, you know the number one liberal to turn against President Obama? Mitt Romney.

Today is National Be Kind to Lawyers Day. This is a day celebrated by no one.


Today's the opening day for the Dodgers. There was an awkward moment during new owner Magic Johnson's pep talk when he told the players to get out there and beat the Celtics.

In Maryland three teachers came forward to claim the Mega Millions lottery prize. They all said they would remain at their jobs. They want to keep teaching kids that if you work hard and study, it won't mean crap unless you win the lottery.

American universities are being infiltrated by foreign spies. In other words, Iran may have the technology to build their own beer bong.

Last night Melissa Gilbert suffered a concussion on "Dancing With the Stars." It's the first time anyone connected with that show has actually seen stars.

Late Show with David Letterman

A hundred years ago the Titanic sank. It was supposed to be unsinkable. If they were going to make that same cruise again today, thanks to global warming they would not have to worry about icebergs.

Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon he can actually have several vice presidents. Did you know that?

I signed up to do this show for two more years here at CBS. My goal is to be pushed out like Regis was.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It is a tough day for Rick Santorum, who suspended his presidential campaign. I don't think it's a coincidence that he dropped out the day hot dog pizza was announced. Seeing this abomination, Rick realized that humanity has veered just too far off the path of moral righteousness.

Hot dog pizza raises two important questions. Who came up with this monstrosity? And how quickly can it be delivered to my house?

Hot dogs and pizza don't go together. It's like Rush Limbaugh and skinny jeans — it just shouldn't happen.

Hot dogs and pizza — it's like monogamy in a Kardashian. It's like a dog show and Michael Vick. It's like dancing and stars.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We had a new "Dancing With the Stars" tonight, an elimination night and Sherri Shepherd was evicted. I feel bad for her because not only is she off "Dancing With the Stars," but she has to go back to "The View."

I hate to see people get kicked off. Just for once I'd like to see someone get kicked onto a reality show.

Facebook is buying the photo-sharing service Instagram for a billion dollars. Instagram is an app that makes your photographs look like vintage Polaroids. Meanwhile, poor Tom from MySpace just announced he's selling his mom's Polaroid camera on eBay for $5.

A billion dollars — I don't know. Unless they have some faded, washed-out photos of Mark Zuckerberg killing a hooker, it doesn't make sense.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race. Gettysburg was a great choice because he should've dropped out four score and seven years ago.

The New York Mets have started the season with four straight wins. I don't want to say it's surprising, but today the Mets tested themselves for steroids.

There’s apparently a 102-year-old man in New York who still works as a valet parking attendant. It’s not easy for him. Every time he parks a car, he has to pull over three times for a bathroom break.

You can tell he’s old. When you tip him a five, he’s like, "Hey, it's my old roommate, Abe Lincoln.”

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