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Tuesday Apr 03 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Well, congratulations to Kentucky. They won the NCAA championship 67-59 over Kansas, very nice. Did you see the news after the game? People in Kentucky flipping over cars, they were burning couches. That was all on the same front lawn.

Oh, here's your tax dollars at work. This is what makes people furious. The head of the GSA, a woman named Martha Johnson, has resigned after they found out she spent over $830,000 on a four-day government conference in Las Vegas. And the president is furious. Not President Obama, the president of China. It's his money. It's his money she spent.

Up in Sacramento this week a man jumped on the hood of a police car that was moving. Started screaming his name. He was wearing a puffy winter jacket, a sombrero, one boxing glove. Police say the guy was in a total state of delirium. They didn't arrest him. Turns out just a JetBlue pilot on break. He was just on break.

Conan

Goldman Sachs sold their shares in the New York paper "Village Voice" because its back page has ads for prostitution. Goldman Sachs said the only people that should pay to get screwed are their clients.

The Tony Awards announced Neil Patrick Harris will host for a third time. So once again they've snubbed Mike Ditka.

A new study claims that four out of 10 Americans are now obese. The study was conducted by anyone working at a water park.

Late Show with David Letterman

Mitt Romney is trying to get female voters and Rick Santorum said, "What? Women can vote? Are you kidding me? "

But the Wildcats, what a team, the Kentucky Wildcats. Listen to this. This is how good they are. Four of the starters are freshmen. Four guys. And they're going right to the NBA . Who says Obama isn't creating jobs?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's a great day here at the CBS network. Today the network announced that David Letterman and I extended our contracts until 2014. Yes! Which is good news here, of course, two more years of Dave. Bad news, two more years of me.

What people are really talking about, of course, is the $650 million Mega Millions lottery. If you missed the drawing on Friday, the winning numbers were not yours.

If I won the Mega Millions, I'd buy an island. Not for me. I'd send all the Kardashians on it. I'd send all the Kardashians there and make them hunt each other.

 
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