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Monday Mar 26 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

I spent my whole weekend filling out my brackets for "The Hunger Games."

The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they're called taxi cabs.

This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice — they let him shoot the donor himself.

Fox News sent Dick Cheney flowers. MSNBC sent chili cheese fries.

Conan

This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents.

Rick Santorum said you aren't a real Republican until you've sworn at someone from The New York Times. Moments later a panicked Mitt Romney called the New York Times reception desk and said "Heck!"

The Pope made a visit to Mexico. He took first place in the spring break Wet Pope Hat Contest.

President Obama is getting tough on North Korea. This weekend President Obama warned Kim Jong Un that bad behavior will not be rewarded. Then Kim Jong Un asked, "So how do you explain a new season of 'Jersey Shore.'"

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tiger Woods did something unusual this weekend. He won a golf tournament.

Tiger's now a 4-1 favorite to win at The Masters. They say all he has to do is stay away from Ambien, Escalades, and hostesses at the Waffle House.

Pope Benedict XVI spent the weekend in Mexico. He likes to spend spring break at Señor Frog's. He's been doing it since he was in college.

The Pope wears the best hats. He gives Lady Gaga a run for her money.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday on CNN, White House adviser David Plouffe referred to the Republican presidential race as a "clown show." That’s as rough as it gets on CNN. Romney, Santorum, Paul, and Gingrich all called the statement ridiculous and then piled into one tiny car and drove off.

Dick Cheney received a heart transplant this weekend after waiting for two years. He wasn't waiting for a donor. It just took doctors two years to find Cheney’s current heart.

Yesterday President Obama said that North Korea is in a "time warp" that has missed 50 years of progress. North Korea denied the accusation — in a strongly worded telegraph.

A new survey found that Facebook, Google, and YouTube are the most popular websites in the U.S. — while the least popular website in the U.S. is Gingrich2012.org.

 
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