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Wednesday Mar 21 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Peyton Manning has signed a $96 million deal to play for the Denver Broncos. How ironic is that? Tim Tebow's prayers to help the Broncos win are finally being answered.

The other big football story is that Tim Tebow has been traded to the New York Jets. Can you imagine Tim Tebow in New York City? Talk about throwing a Christian to the lions.

The man who created the Red Bull energy drink has died at the age of 89. Actually, he died five years ago. He was just so wired, nobody could tell.

Red Bull's creator is survived by a very jumpy wife and a bunch of really jittery kids.

Conan

Yesterday the prime minister of Ireland made President Obama an honorary Irishman. As a result, President Obama awoke this morning with a hangover and a job at the fire department.

Today is Ann and Mitt Romney's 43rd wedding anniversary. This means that 43 years ago Mitt proposed to his wife and due to a weak field of candidates, she said yes.

Looks like Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow has been traded to the Jets. When told he was going to be spending the rest of his career in New Jersey, Tebow said, "There is no God."

Late Show with David Letterman

Rick Santorum wants to ban pornography. That's one of the few thriving industries America has left.

John McCain's daughter Megan is going to be in the April issue of Playboy. I'm just glad John's not alive to see this.

Here's what I like about Rod Blagojevich. If you want to be governor of Illinois, of course you have to run. And then you have to get elected, and then you have to go to federal prison. It's just part of their tradition.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions People Rarely Ask Car Salesmen

10
How much for just the airbags?
9
May I see a picture of the navigation lady?
8
Which car goes best with a suspended license?
7
May I test drive naked?
6
Are you available to speak at Career Day?
5
May I return it next week after a state-wide crime spree?
4
What would Jesus drive?
3
May I watch while you undercoat my wife's car?
2
Could my dog ride comfortably on the roof?
1
Will you hold me while we dicker?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The movie "The Hunger Games" is coming out. It's based on the best-selling book. It's tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books.

A lot of people are comparing "The Hunger Games" to the "Twilight" series. But that's thematically inaccurate because "The Hunger Games" takes place in a futuristic dystopia whereas the "Twilight" books are — what's the literary term again? — crap.

You know what I think is weird? I stopped drinking alcohol about 20 years ago and I still look like a drunk.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell.

It looks like Tim Tebow might be traded to the New York Jets — but apparently some Jets players are not happy about it. They're called wide receivers.

There are rumors that Kim Kardashian wants to adopt a child. You can tell orphans are nervous — even Oliver Twist is like, "You know what — I’m good on soup. Sorry for complaining.”

President Obama is calling on Iran to give its citizens better access to the Internet. Right now they only have one social networking site: "Cover-Your-Face Book.”

 
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