Tuesday Mar 20 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

According to a new book, President Obama blames Fox News for his political problems and losing voters. How could Fox News lose voters? If you're watching Fox News, you're probably not voting for him in the first place.

Pope Benedict will visit Mexico this weekend. Historians say he will be the first Pope ever to attend spring break.

The State Department is warning spring breakers about the dangers of violence from Mexican drug gangs. So, to avoid the threat, stay out of L.A.

Next month the movie "Titanic" will be re-released in 3-D. In this version, the captain doesn't see the iceberg coming because he's not wearing the special glasses.


Disastrous news for Walt Disney. They've announced they've lost $200 million on the movie "John Carter." This doesn't bode well for Disney's upcoming $250 million epic, "Jimmy Carter."

Yesterday Vice President Joe Biden said the killing of Osama bin Laden was the most audacious plan in the last 500 years. Biden then unveiled his new line of steak knives and said, "Until now!"

Since Saturday, Apple has sold 3 million iPads. So to the Chinese workers who made them — juice boxes all around. Celebrate, kids. Be happy.

Late Show with David Letterman

It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.

Big news in the NFL. Peyton Manning is leaving Indianapolis and going to Denver. I knew it. He said, "Colts are horses. Who else has got a horse? Denver Broncos." That's the way these things work.

We're right the middle of the Republican presidential primary season and it's getting interesting now, isn't it? No.

Rick Santorum said he's not worried about unemployment. Well, he will be in November.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

When I heard the Republicans were in President Obama's home state, I said, "They're holding a primary in Kenya?"

On this day in 1999, California opened Lego Land theme park. It was supposed to open a few years earlier, but they couldn't find a piece.

It is also vernal equinox today. The vernal equinox is just a high-fallutin' way of saying the first day of spring.

This is the time of year when the Kardashians lose their winter coats.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Some top Republicans are urging Newt Gingrich to leave the race, but he says he's sticking around. If they could get him to marry the race, he would probably leave it eventually.

This Wednesday Mitt Romney goes one-on-one in a debate against the one man who stands in the way of his nomination: Mitt Romney.

Massachusetts moderate squares off with die-hard conservative Romney on the issues. Man versus machine. Romney versus Romney.

Peyton Manning has officially joined the Denver Broncos, signing a five-year, $96 million contract, which means Tim Tebow is out of a job. He's just going to take one of your jobs, right?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Last week a tourist in Puerto Rico took a picture of Rick Santorum shirtless on the beach. I don’t want to say he looked chubby, but his new Secret Service code name is "Newt Gingrich.”

That’s right — Rick Santorum was seen lying on the beach without his shirt on. He would have worn sunscreen, but he’s not really into protection.

Disney will lose $200 million on its new movie, "John Carter," about a Civil War soldier on Mars. Disney could tell they were going to lose lots of money when they realized they made a movie about a Civil War soldier on Mars.

“The Hunger Games" is expected to make $130 million at the box office this weekend. Experts say the movie has that one quality you look for in a film — it’s not about a Civil War soldier on Mars.

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