Wednesday Sep 02 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner



A new version of the Bible is being published that is gender-neutral. For instance, the books of “Mark, Luke, and John” are now the books of “Kris, Jean, and Terry.”

Muhammad Ali visited the town in Ireland where his great-grandfather was born, and thousands of people lined the streets to greet him. All the Irish people had one burning question for Ali, “What’s it like to fight with someone while sober?”

Big election scandal in Afghanistan: The loser of the Afghanistan presidential election, a man named Abdullah Abdullah, is claiming that the winner, Hamid Karzai, artificially inflated his number of votes. In response, Karzai is claiming that Abdullah Abdullah artificially inflated his number of Abdullahs.

The State Department is conducting a big investigation into a wild party thrown at the U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan. Of course, in Afghanistan, a “wild party” is any event where a girl takes her socks off.

Late Show with David Letterman

Everybody’s worried about swine flu. Today, former Vice president Dick Cheney fried his bacon in Purell.

I always liked Dick Cheney. There were two things I liked: He was always in an undisclosed location. Always. If you ever needed him, well, there he was. Undisclosed. That and he shot his buddy in the face. Those two things.

Cheney says the CIA probe is a terrible idea and should never have been authorized . . . you mean like the war in Iraq?

According to a new study, a moderate amount of drinking may prevent Alzheimer’s disease. Me? I’m always drinking to forget, so that’s no good for me.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Dumb Guy Tips To Combat The Swine Flu

Give your pigs and hogs Advil, vitamin C, and plenty of liquids
Let President Nixon figure it out
Be extra vigilant when shopping at Piggly Wiggly
Tax cuts for the rich
Forget swine flu, you should be worried about the Obama death panels
Lock yourself in Y2K bunker
Spray your pork chops with Lysol
Initiate talks with the leader of the pigs, see if we can't work this out
If you see a pig, run!
Those microscopic germs don't stand a chance against Dr. Jack Daniels
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

In Russia, a man is suing the newspaper for printing bad things about his grandfather, a man named Joseph Stalin. What cheap rag would print bad things about beloved ol’ Uncle Joe Stalin?

He was sort of a “bad dude,” Stalin was. He signed a non-aggression pact with the Nazis; he wiped out millions of his own people; and he had a very unpleasant mustache.

You have to be wary of men with mustaches. Stalin had a mustache; Hitler had a mustache; Saddam Hussein had a mustache . . . Tom Selleck had a mustache . . .

His grandson says he wants to restore Stalin’s good name. He says Stalin “presided over an era of good arts.” Which is like saying Hannibal lector presided over an area of fine cuisine.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Firefighters are working around the clock to control fires here in California. I hate to say it, but this is what we get for making forests out of wood.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger served them breakfast, saying here’s “some spinach to get them pumped up.” Yes, Gov. Popeye, thank you for the breakfast of spinach.

Last week, the state held a garage sale, and they raised about a million dollars. Now the governor has given his blessing for yet another unusual moneymaking scheme: “The State of California’s Lemonade Stand.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Summer vacation is finally over, but not for the Obama Family. They just got back from Martha’s Vineyard and now they’re going off to another vacation at Camp David. Joe Biden was really excited for the car trip — he loves sticking his head out the window.

Yesterday, ex-Governor Eliot Spitzer started work as a professor at New York City College, where he will teach a three-hour long political science class. This is good news for Spitzer; the last time he did something for three hours, it cost him like 15 grand.

In New York, the Health Department has starting putting up anti-soda posters throughout the city, showing “pure liquid fat” being poured into a glass. People have been really affected by the ads, they're going into stores and saying, "Hey do you have that new all-fat soda? That thing looks great.”

The Toyota Camry is the No. 1-selling car in the U.S. because of the “Cash for Clunkers” program. I think Obama’s getting a little carried away. Now he’s letting people trade in their old American children for newer Japanese children.”

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