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Thursday Mar 01 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

While visiting a GM plant President Obama pledged to buy a Chevy Volt after his presidency ends in five years. Today Mitt Romney said, "Make it one year and I'll buy it for you."

It's been a good week for Romney. He won Arizona, Michigan, and Wyoming. He said this is the best week of his life since they lowered the capital gains tax.

I think Romney's a good man but he just doesn't inspire people. Even his new campaign slogan: "I guess you're stuck with me."

Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed.

Conan

The U.S. beat Italy in soccer for the first time ever. America hasn't embarrassed Italy this badly since the first Olive Garden opened.

Mitt Romney is having a lot of trouble connecting to the common person. So he's trying a little too hard. In an interview yesterday, Romney said that he has worn a garbage bag as rain gear. He said it's easy. All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head.

A man in Albuquerque has registered his dog to vote. Apparently the dog likes the current administration but he's not sure he wants another 28 years of Obama.

A new study found that government employees are the happiest workers. The study was not conducted at the DMV.

Late Show with David Letterman

It's tax time. I switched to a new tax guy and I think he's fantastic. He wants me to establish my full-time residence in Syria.

Every time I drive up to my new tax guy's office, he says the same thing. "You weren't tailed, were you?"

Opening in New Jersey tomorrow is the circus. They put up the big tent, although this year it's Governor Christie's pants.

On this day in 1933 the motion picture "King Kong" premiered. And then there were sequels. One was about King Kong's son — King W. Kong.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You're supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down.

According to the survey, one of the unhappiest professions is people in the media. I know, because we're insecure pieces of crap who whine into our lattes when something doesn't go our way.

Backstage we have a suggestion box. Employees are encouraged to anonymously write down any way they feel we could improve the show. And I have a secret web-cam watching the suggestion box so I know who to fire. And that makes me happy.

The city that has the happiest workers is Miami. Because Miami has both things people need to be happy. Thongs and rollerblading.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Justin Bieber turned 18 years old today, which means he's now officially too old to listen to his own music.

Now that he's 18, I don't have to feel weird about having his posters all over my bedroom anymore.

Multiple news sources are reporting that Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is pregnant. I read on Wikipedia that the average adult Snooki will give birth to a litter of between three and eight snooklets.

Snooki has yet to confirm the rumor. I guess we'll know she's pregnant when the vodka breaks.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Police officers say that because of the economy, more thieves are stealing gas from parked cars. Victims said they hadn't felt that robbed since they put the gas INTO their car.

Next month is the premiere of the new show, "The Real Housewives of Vancouver." You can tell it’s Canada — the housewives say nice things to each other’s faces, but then they go behind each other’s backs and say even nicer things.

A new study found that cavemen suffered from many of the same diseases that modern humans have. You could tell when one caveman was like, "Bunga-unga. Sorry, me dyslexic.”

 
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