JokesPageHeader
     
Friday Feb 24 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama talked about rising gas prices today. He focused on the positive things his administration has done when it comes to energy prices. So, in other words, it was the shortest speech he's ever given.

President Obama is starting to get a little overconfident. In an interview with Univision radio, he said, "My presidency isn't over yet, and I've still got five more years." Even his predictions are over budget.

British parliament says it is very likely a terrorist could explode a nuclear pulse bomb in outer space, and it could take out our entire electronic grid. No emails. No texts. No cell phones. How relaxing would that be?

The acting unions, SAG and AFTRA, now plan to merge. Their goal? To have the world's largest group of unemployed people under one roof.

Late Show with David Letterman

Are you excited about the Academy Awards Sunday night? The Academy Awards, or as they're known, "extremely dull."

Mitt Romney has been the front-runner from day one but nobody likes Mitt Romney because he's not kooky enough.

They're looking for somebody kookier so Rick Santorum is a pretty good choice. He does not believe in birth control. Does not believe in global warming. Does not believe in long-sleeve sweaters.

The latest polls show Romney and Rick Santorum neck and neck. Not to be confused with Newt Gingrich, who is shown in the polls as chin to chin.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

President Obama is trying to come up with a new campaign slogan that would replace "hope and change." He's thinking of going with "I am not Mitt Romney."

There are rumors that Mitt Romney will ask Ron Paul to be his running mate. He was originally going to reach out to Rick Santorum. But Rick's not crazy about other dudes reaching out for him.

Meryl Streep is a front-runner at the Oscars for playing Margaret Thatcher. But you know what's weird? She's also the front-runner in Sunday's Daytona 500.

This town needs the Oscars. It's the one time a year that Hollywood stars can stop being humble and pat themselves on the back.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Meryl Streep won for best actress. Personally, I think Viola Davis was robbed. Literally. Lindsay Lohan stole her Harry Winston necklace.

Originally, Eddie Murphy was supposed to be the host of the show until someone in the academy remembered he was in "Norbit."

Oscar night is the magical night where we sit around in sweatpants and criticize the way famous women are dressed.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It was a tough game for the New York Knicks last night. Jeremy Lin went just 1-for-11 in their loss to Miami. Only 1 success out of 11 attempts — or as Newt Gingrich calls that, "primary season.”

During Vice President Biden’s speech in North Carolina today, a man onstage kept falling asleep. The worst part: It was actually Joe Biden.

This week an Occupy Wall Street protester gave birth in the back of a taxi. The baby loves breast milk — as long as it’s not the 1 percent.

Researchers in Japan are working on a new drug that could treat gambling addiction. But I’ll bet you 2-to-1 it doesn’t work.

 
Email:
 
Retype Email:
 
Country:
 
Zip Code:
Your e-mail address and personal information is confidential as stated in our Privacy Policy.
 
Around the Web

Newsmax, Moneynews, and Independent. American. are registered trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc. Newsmax TV, NewsmaxWorld, NewsmaxHealth, are trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc.

 
NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
©  Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved