Thursday Feb 23 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama said he understands that rising prices are making people worried and fearful. Especially in his re-election campaign. They're really fearful.

I saw the worst reality show last night. Have you seen this one? It's called "the Republican Debate."

The debate was on CNN. You know who the big winner was? "American Idol" on Fox.

Rick Santorum is claiming that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him. Which is kind of ironic — that Santorum can be brought down by two men forming a civil union.

Late Show with David Letterman

The Academy Awards are on Sunday night. Side effects include nausea, headaches, and sexual dysfunction.

The Academy Awards — you sit there for four-and-a-half hours waiting to take off, like a Jet Blue flight.

Lindsay Lohan is making a new movie. They're saying now that Lindsay Lohan is probably the most talented actress of her generation currently on probation.

Lindsay is making a remake of an old equestrian movie with Elizabeth Taylor called "National Velvet." I think it's a trick. She just wants to get her hands on some horse tranquilizer.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

As bad as gas prices are here, the situation is worse in Europe. I'll tell you why. Because every time Europeans fill up their tank, they expose their unshaven armpits, releasing deadly toxic gases.

The reality is earth contains only so much fossil fuel. So the solution is obvious. If oil comes from fossils, then we should genetically engineer more dinosaurs. What could possibly go wrong?

I think we're going to be seeing more hybrid cars. The Prius is known as a hybrid because it can run on either electricity or the smugness of the owner.

It's hard to look cool at a stoplight when you step on the gas and the car whines like a lady's electric razor.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Paris Hilton just released a music video for her new song, "Drunk Text." So, look out, Adele!

J.K. Rowling, author of the "Harry Potter" series, is set to publish her first novel for adults. You can tell the book is for adults from its title, "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Activia.”

A new survey found that the tooth fairy left about 42 cents less in 2011 than it did the year before. When kids lose teeth now, they’re like, "Ehh, I’m gonna hold onto this until the market improves.”

A company in the U.K. is selling a new device that lets you know if you’re driving badly. It’s called a windshield.

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