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Tuesday Feb 21 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing.

Italian police seized $6 trillion worth of fake, worthless U.S. bonds. Let that be a lesson. If you want to try and sell worthless financial instruments, you'd better be Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. That's the only way you're going to get away with it.

Taco Bell plans to start selling tacos made out of nacho cheese Doritos. Their goal is to create Mexican food that's totally unrecognizable to the Mexican people.

Dutch scientists say the world's first test-tube meat, a hamburger made from cow stem cells, will be available sometime this year. Test tube meat made from stem cells. I hope it tastes as good as it sounds.

Conan

It turns out that the typical academy member who votes for the Oscars is in his mid 60s. That's good news for the movie "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" because that's the only movie they could see.

Newt Gingrich called President Obama "the most dangerous president in U.S. history." But then he said "on the dance floor."

It's been reported that Mitt Romney's campaign is spending cash twice as fast as they're earning it. Hey, it turns out he is just like us after all.

Political analysts say the key voting bloc could be birth control moms. Birth control moms are women who use birth control but apparently not correctly.

Late Show with David Letterman

A guy went into a Walmart. He's completely naked and he's stealing socks. Is that the first item, honestly? He was planning a series of robberies to put together a whole new outfit.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has outlawed gay marriage with one exception. He said Ben and Jerry, they're OK. They can go ahead and get married.

Usually the only thing Chris Christie vetoes is a salad.

Scientists have now created artificial meat. They've done so with stem cells in a test tube. Is your mouth watering?

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Other Movies About Mitt Romney

10
Dial M For Mitt
9
Mitty Mitty Bang Bang
8
The Mittrix
7
Butch Romney And The Sundance Mitt
6
Mittion: Impossible
5
When Harry Mitt Romney
4
Terms of Endearmitt
3
Mr. Romney Doesn't Go To Washington
2
Dog On A Hot Car Roof
1
They're Just Not That Into You
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today is Mardi Gras. That's French for Fat Tuesday. Unfortunately we're all so politically correct these days, Fat Tuesday is now officially known as "Big Boned Day."

Everyone throws beads on Mardi Gras. The beads are paid for by local businessmen who ride on elaborate floats and toss little trinkets to the desperate masses in the streets. Which is also Mitt Romney's economic plan.

At one end of Bourbon Street they actually have a gay Mardi Gras celebration. Who would have guessed that a party centered on jewelry and feathers would attract a gay crowd?

I love New Orleans. It's a great place with resilient people. They bounced back after an incredible tragedy. Meanwhile, here in Los Angeles we're still recovering from last month's drizzle.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

In New York, basketball phenom Jeremy Lin continues to whip fans of the Knicks into a lather. They're calling it Lin-sanity. I think that's what they called it when Lindsay Lohan stole that jewelry.

Bob Morris, a state lawmaker from Fort Wayne, Ind., has decided not to support a proposal to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. He believes the Girl Scouts is a, quote, radicalized organization that supports homosexuality and abortion. I'm all for freedom of speech, but that kind of talk might get you picked as Rick Santorum's running mate.

Girl Scouts sell cookies. They don't promote homosexuality. They promote obesity.

It's Mardi Gras, which is an interesting phenomenon because it turns normal, everyday people into drunken lunatics who will trade their dignity for 9 cents worth of beads. When it's over, everybody goes home and goes back to being normal.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow night is the 20th Republican debate, which explains that new campaign slogan, "Vote Mitt Romney — or else we’ll keep doing this.”

The Oscars are this Sunday, and 40 million people are expected to watch it on ABC. But in fairness, half of them are just Brad Pitt’s kids cheering him on.

A new study found that 16 percent of Americans under the age of 24 don’t have a job. There’s even a name for that group: Art History majors.

Last week a toy store in Massachusetts accidentally received a liquor license, which explains that new toy — "Call-Me-a-Cab Elmo.”

 
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