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Monday Feb 20 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

You can tell gas prices are going up in California. Prius owners are getting that smug look again.

Happy Presidents Day. We have a lot of Presidents Day sales. Mitt Romney got a little confused. He thought the presidency was for sale.

Rick Santorum is so conservative, when he goes to KFC, he only orders the right wings.

Italian authorities seized $6 trillion worth of fake, worthless U.S. Treasury bonds. Pretty good counterfeit job, too. They look just like the genuine worthless Treasury bonds.

Late Show with David Letterman

Here in New York City we celebrate Presidents Day by allowing people to park on both sides of the street.

Spring training has started. Baseball is right around the corner. Pitchers and catchers reported yesterday, infielders today, and tomorrow Hollywood girlfriends report.

The Yankees now have a new fragrance. It was just bound to happen because any time you walk into the clubhouse, you say "Oh wow, if someone could just bottle this."

The North Korea news agency is saying that the birds and the pandas and all the wildlife are moaning because they're so depressed over the death of Kim Jong Il. Wait a minute. Is it possible they are moaning because they live in North Korea?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today in honor of Presidents Day, all four Republican candidates agreed to take the day off from negative campaigning.

The tallest president was Abraham Lincoln, 6'4". I think four of those feet were hat.

People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn't born in Kenya. It was Tanzania.

He was going to be born in Kenya but it wasn't socialist enough.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Microsoft founder Bill Gates attended a fundraiser for President Obama on Friday. He wasn't invited, but in typical Microsoft fashion he crashed it.

CNN announced that instead of using podiums at Wednesday’s debate, the GOP candidates will be sitting at a table — which could get awkward when Newt Gingrich asks to see a menu.

A new survey found that most hairdressers don’t like listening to their clients’ stories. On behalf of clients, I’d just like to tell hairdressers, "Ditto.”

A man in China discovered a new kind of fish that looks like it has wings and legs. The discovery has led to questions from biologists — and a bidding war between KFC and Red Lobster.

 
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