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Tuesday Feb 14 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

You know a really sad thing about Valentine's Day? Some people can't have the person they really love, so they settle for someone else. But enough about the Republicans and Mitt Romney.

The vice president of China showed up at the White House today. That's what happens when you get behind on the rent. The landlord shows up, starts looking around.

New Jersey has passed a bill legalizing gay marriage. Now comes the hard part — finding gay couples who want to actually live in New Jersey.

A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to $25,000 worth of laundry detergent. Would that be a white-collar crime? Luckily, he made a clean getaway.

Conan

Papa John's is offering a heart-shaped pizza for Valentine's Day. It's for the wife who has everything, except a husband who knows what a woman wants for Valentine's Day.

For Valentine's Day, Time Warner Cable is offering a special channel called "Ryan Gosling on demand."

Yesterday Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Mitt Romney all said that if elected president they would eliminate porn. In a related story, President Obama has already been re-elected.

The son of Hugh Hefner has been arrested on a charge of domestic violence. When he heard this, Hugh Hefner said, "Son, there's a right way and a wrong way to disrespect women."

Late Show with David Letterman

Valentine's Day is named after St. Valentine. Are you aware of this? Groundhog Day is named after St. Groundhog.

Rick Santorum looks like a guy running for student council.

Each year, Mitt Romney celebrates Valentine's Day by spending a romantic evening in front of the mirror.

Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Your Valentine Hates You

10
Booked you on an Italian cruise ship
9
Flowers you received look suspiciously like ones left on Grandma's grave
8
Takes you to Olive Garden and won't spring for the bottomless pasta bowl
7
Doubles her hourly rate from $50 to $100
6
Sends you a sexy video of her trying on lingerie with the UPS guy
5
Always has an excuse for missing your conjugal visit
4
When you try to serenade her, you end up with most of a ukulele up your a**
3
After not receiving a gift, said, "Sorry, I didn't know Jews celebrated Valentine's Day"
2
You're the jerk Adele sings about
1
You've been served with a heart-shaped restraining order
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's Valentine's Day. To all the single folks out there, congratulations on not wasting money on overpaid garbage.

I'd give you Valentine's tips, but if you're watching this show, clearly your Valentine's Day has gone horribly wrong.

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came out today. On Valentine's Day. That doesn't seem appropriate. Photographs of busty young women. It's like handing out free bacon on Passover.

The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800s, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you're going to be alone, who cares if you get fat.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

This year, I gave my girlfriend her gift for next Valentine's Day. I gave her a pack of seeds. That way, she can grow her roses the old-fashioned way.

On Valentine's Day, Americans spend $367 million on their pets. That seems like a waste. You don't need to wine and dine your dog. Either way, he's going to hump your leg.

The Golden Collar Awards were announced for canine actors. Best dog in a theatrical film, in a TV series, and in a reality TV series. How does the dog know it's in a reality series? I'm pretty sure that's just a dog walking around in its house.

The Westminster Dog Show wrapped up in New York today. It combines the excitement of people walking dogs to the thrill of dogs sitting perfectly still.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Happy Valentine’s Day. Everyone on the campaign trail is celebrating with their sweetheart. Rick Santorum and his wife Karen, Newt Gingrich and his wife Callista, Mitt Romney and his Swiss bank account.

President Obama urged men to "go big" for Valentine’s Day. In fact, Obama bought Michelle the nicest bracelet China's money can buy.

One of the awards at this week’s Westminster Dog Show went to Martha Stewart’s chow chow named Genghis Khan. If Martha wanted to name the dog after a ruthless tyrant, she should have gone with "Martha Stewart.”

Earlier tonight, Donald Trump’s hair won top prize at the Westminster Dog Show.

 
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