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Wednesday Feb 08 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Rick Santorum says that he is what the Republicans really want. Mitt Romney says now that he knows what Republicans want, he can change to those positions.

Romney was at a loss to explain why he dropped the ball. In fact, his wife is now blaming it on the New England Patriot receivers.

Donald Trump announced he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get.

Jack in the Box just came out with a bacon milkshake. Why don't they just change their name to Jack in the Coffin?

Conan

Since yesterday's primaries, Rick Santorum's campaign has received $250,000 in donations. When Mitt Romney heard this, he said "$250,000? Oh, that's cute."

A mother in China gave birth to a 15-pound baby. Chinese officials say it's so big, it can do the work of two babies.

A new product that's coming out lets you consume caffeine by inhaling it. The product brings Starbucks one step closer to its ultimate dream, charging $9 for air.

Late Show with David Letterman

Mitt Romney lost all three of the primaries. Today, he begged Donald Trump to take back his endorsement.

It was a big setback for the Mitt Romney campaign. Even the very poor said they felt bad for him.

People on the inside tell me that the first thing Romney's going to do if he's elected president is he's going to outlaw casual Friday.

Rick Santorum was the big winner. He is feeling very cocky. He already is being fitted for an inaugural sweater vest.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's Boy Scout day. In Scotland, the scoutmasters had the same exact uniforms as the boys. The same shorts, same badges, and the same canteens full of whiskey.

The Boy Scouts teaches you outdoor survival skills that will make young men successful later if they decide to become explorers or hobos.

Many of the skills Boy Scouts learn come from Native Americans. That's why so many scouts grow up to run gambling casinos.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Part of me thinks that Rick Santorum is running for president just to show his high school crush she should have gone to the prom with him.

He even called global warming a hoax, which is no surprise, coming from a guy who is clearly in the pocket of big sweater vests.

There's really no reason for anyone to drop out of the race. If you wind up in fourth place, you become a regular contributor on Fox News. You come in third, you get your own show on Fox News.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

According to new research, playing iPhone games like "Angry Birds" and "Words With Friends" can improve your memory. Yeah, it can help you remember distant events like the last time you actually talked to a person.

Police in New York are looking for a bald man who stole three boxes of Rogaine. Yeah, he's bald and doesn't have the money to buy Rogaine, which explains who's not looking for him — women.

Police in Kentucky arrested a naked man covered in chocolate and peanut butter after he broke into a grocery store. So I guess there is a wrong way to eat a Reese's.

A new survey found that the average guy will spend about $200 on Valentine's Day this year. Yep, that's 20 bucks for flowers and 180 bucks for last-minute delivery of flowers.

 
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