JokesPageHeader
     
Wednesday Feb 01 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Mitt Romney's campaign will start getting Secret Service protection this week. That's just to protect him from Newt Gingrich.

According to USA Today, more Chinese tourists are coming to America. They get to see things they've never seen before: the Grand Canyon, the Statue of Liberty, adults working in factories.

The agriculture department says we now have the smallest cattle population in 60 years. That shows you how fat we're getting. We're close to putting cows on the endangered species list.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

Conan

It's the first day of Black History Month. So if you're watching me right now, it means you have completely missed the point.

It's being reported that California needs to raise $3 billion by March. This according to California State Treasurer Nicolas Cage.

The government may be legally required to release a video of the Osama bin Laden killing. For some reason it co-stars Katherine Heigl.

Israeli scientists discovered a method for breeding tomatoes that are red on the inside but black on the outside. Afterwards, the government of Israel said, "Well, that wraps up the very last of our problems."

Late Show with David Letterman

You know what really gets on my nerves? Those Amish people on eBay. What the hell are they doing?

New York City used to be a fun city. Not so much anymore. Anybody been on the subway? Congratulations, you've cheated death.

Tonight is our 30th anniversary. People say to me, "Dave, why do you keep doing it night after night?" I'll tell you why. I've seen Regis in retirement.

When you think about it, I had my original hair 30 years ago. And my original heart. No more.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Not a great day for Mitt Romney. He put his foot in his mouth. He said in an interview, quote, "I'm not concerned about the very poor." Is anybody even trying to win this thing?

To be fair, to Mitt Romney the "very poor" means anyone who doesn't use a solid gold toilet.

When you go to any car lot, you cannot escape the salesmen. The second you pull in, dozens of them will pounce. Like Kardashians at a photo op.

They pounce on you like Michael Moore on a doughnut.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

On Feb. 1, 1887, the founder of Hollywood, Harvey Wilcox, bought the whole area. He envisioned the land as a utopian site for Christians to live highly moral lives, free of alcohol. That worked out well.

Mitt Romney is getting some heat today for something he said on CNN. He said he's not concerned about the very poor. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to say that out loud.

Romney said the quote was taken out of context. And that he absolutely cares about the poor. In fact, his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

I've been here in Indianapolis for the Super Bowl since Saturday. But all the attention has been on the football players. So basically it's like I'm back in high school.

A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.

A woman in Illinois is auctioning off a 2005 Chrysler that once belonged to President Obama. You can tell it was Obama's car because it gets out to a fast start, and then stalls for the next three years.

 
Email:
 
Retype Email:
 
Country:
 
Zip Code:
Your e-mail address and personal information is confidential as stated in our Privacy Policy.
 

Newsmax, Moneynews, and Independent. American. are registered trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc. Newsmax TV, NewsmaxWorld, NewsmaxHealth, are trademarks of Newsmax Media, Inc.

 
NEWSMAX.COM
America's News Page
©  Newsmax Media, Inc.
All Rights Reserved