Tuesday Jan 31 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The good news is, we just got some election results from Florida. The bad news is, since it's Florida, they’re from the 2008 election.

President Obama has been working on a new plan to boost tourism in America by making it easier for foreigners to get into the United States. We have that already. It's called Mexico.

A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a nation that’s science and chemistry illiterate. And you thought a lot of meth labs are blowing up now?

A student at the University of Wisconsin in Madison spent 90 days technology free. He went without a cell phone, Facebook, Twitter, or any social media of any kind. And you know what really improved? His driving!


Studies are showing that Republican candidates are buying a lot of their ad time on the Weather Channel. You can tell because last night, the weatherman blamed the cold front on immigration and gay marriage.

The government may be legally required to release the video of Osama bin Laden's killing. President Obama said this would be unhelpful, inflammatory, and “Could you please release it two days before the election?”

A 100-year-old woman has revealed that her secret to staying sharp is playing a Nintendo D.S. Sadly, no one has the heart to tell her that's the garage door opener.

Mitt Romney went to a McDonald's and ordered burgers and fries and apparently everything was going well until Romney asked the cashier if she could break a $1 million bill.

Late Show with David Letterman

We have a weight problem in this country and Super Bowl Sunday is the one day of the year where it's okay for the obese to become morbidly obese.

There's a $250 fine now if you get caught eating in the subway. It kind of makes me hungry just talking about it.

If you get caught eating in the subway, $250 fine. Roaming bands of teenaged punks, not a problem.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Paula Abdul was fired from “The X Factor.” No one really knows how Paula feels about this. Well, she's given tons of interviews, but no one can understand what she's saying.

Rick Santorum says Newt Gingrich is too hot, Mitt Romney is too cold, but he's the “Goldilocks candidate.” Yes, nothing gets voters excited like comparing yourself to tepid porridge.

Politicians have to reach a lot of different people in Florida. It's a very diverse population. You have old people there and then really old people there.

A lot of people want Gingrich and Romney to continue their attacks on each another all the way to the convention. These people are called Democrats.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It was a beautiful day here in Hollywood. The sun was shining and it got up to almost 70 degrees. I got to wear my dolphin shorts into work, which was a treat for my co-workers.

Students at Pottstown Middle School are now not allowed to wear Uggs, because students were hiding cell phones in them. Next week, the plan is to ban pockets.

Paula Abdul was fired from “The X Factor.” I think the problem with Paula is that she was too coherent last year.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial.

A town in Austria opened a new museum dedicated to failed inventions. Or as Microsoft reported it, “Hey! Someone just ordered a Zune!”

Over the weekend, Starbucks closed its very first East Coast store, which opened 19 years ago. Apparently, it just couldn't keep up with its main competition: the Starbucks across the street.

A law enforcement agency in Florida revealed that it paid 15 employees to get drunk to see if its breathalyzer tests worked. In related news, it looks like I’m getting a second job!

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