Thursday Sep 10 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner



Republican Congressman Joe Wilson has apologized for calling President Obama a liar during his speech on healthcare. Obama accepted Wilson’s apology, then invited him to appear before a death panel.

During last night’s healthcare speech President Obama told Republicans “the time for games has passed.” Obama had to say that because most Republicans were on their BlackBerrys playing “Brick Breaker.”

Earlier today, President Obama gave another speech about healthcare — this one to a room full of nurses. Still no word on what Bill Clinton was doing there.

Yesterday, Florida Sen. Mel Martinez, the only Hispanic Republican in the Senate, officially stepped down. The Republican senator who replaced Martinez thanked him and then had him deported.

Late Show with David Letterman

Bernie Madoff is in real trouble now. His luxury apartment is being sold through Century 21. Not to be confused with Century 22 — that’s when he gets out.

Ellen Degeneres is going to be a new judge on “American Idol.” Its not official yet — it has to get approved by the Senate. Ellen Degeneres is replacing Paula Abdul. Don’t be worried about Paula Abdul though — she’s going to be running for governor of Alaska.

Speaking of running, Dick Cheney might be running for President in 2012. Well, you gotta start somewhere. . .

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson Excuses

Shouldn't have gone tailgating before the speech
Ashton Kutcher put me up to it
Was trying to impress that hellcat Nancy Pelosi
Thought I was in the audience at Maury
Uh...swine flu?
I'm an idiot
Yeah, I accused a politician of lying. What was I thinking?
I thought it was a roast
It's been weeks since a Republican politician embarrassed the state of South Carolina
Nobody cared when McCain yelled, 'BINGO!'
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Ellen Degeneres has been named the new judge on “American Idol.” She’s now the second most powerful lesbian on the planet, the first, of course, being Kim Jong Il.

President Obama gave a speech last night on healthcare. At one point, Congressman Joe Wilson yelled out during the speech, “You Lie!” Until then, the speech was just normal, and by normal I mean boring. It caused a commotion. All the rest of the politicians were like, “How does he know?”

Every congressman has a vote and he should use it, but not in the middle of the president’s speech. That’s not when you do it. It’s not the “Jerry Springer Show.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama made his healthcare address to Congress. It went pretty well, except for one weird part in the middle when a congressman from South Carolina suddenly yelled out, “You lie!” It’s amazing — this guy was able to sit through seven years of President Bush telling him everything in Iraq was fine.

Even fellow Republicans were horrified at the outburst. He apologized immediately after the speech, saying he was watching “Gossip Girl” on his iPhone and got angry at the show.

Oprah Winfrey is getting ready for her new show. Today they had what they called a kick-off party on Michigan Avenue in Chicago and I guess they closed down the whole street. The Black Eyed Peas, Jennifer Hudson, and James Taylor were all summoned to perform by Oprah. They were happy to do her bidding.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon


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