Friday Jan 20 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny it is actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney.

The San Francisco subway system was shut down when some idiot drove an SUV into a subway tunnel. Boy, that Italian cruise ship captain is having a bad week.

More details are coming out about the Italian cruise ship disaster. It seems the chef on board the ship says the captain ordered dinner after the crash. And here's the worst part — he ordered it to go.

That guy has brought more shame to the Italian people than Olive Garden.

Late Show with David Letterman

President Obama was addressing some dignitaries at Disney World. They even put the pants on Donald Duck.

I find it fascinating that your average automobile has a better navigation system than an Italian cruise ship.

That Italian captain is a regular Sully Sullenberger, isn't he? Instead of landing a plane on water, he landed a ship on rocks.

President Obama wants to remind Americans of the things he has taken care of — bin Laden, adios. Gadhafi, bye-bye. And Regis is gone.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Animals

Mexican Burrowing Toad
Tie: Bird, Fox
Frill-Necked Lizard
Mountain Goat
Duck-Billed Platypus
Ring-Tailed Lemur
Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama was in Disney World to introduce a new plan to boost tourism in the United States. And also because the Mickey Mouse ears fit perfectly over his real ones.

During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon.

Gingrich is lining up impressive endorsements. Todd Palin, Gary Busey, and now, Chuck Norris. I'll tell you, his endorsements could beat up Mitt Romney's endorsements.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One.

There’s a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That’s ridiculous. I don’t need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops.

The Baltimore Ravens will travel to New England to take on the Patriots. When asked if they were excited for the game, quoth the Ravens, “Nevermore.”

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