Thursday Jan 19 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser.

President Obama was in Disney World today where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential duties.

You know why President Obama chose Disney World? It was the only place with longer lines than the unemployment office, so it looks better.

Rick Perry has dropped out of the presidential race. Apparently, America did not want a conservative, gun happy, intellectually challenged governor of Texas for president. At least not again.


Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time.

During a search of a Guantanamo Bay prison cell, guards found a copy of al-Qaida’s magazine. The lead article was “10 Ways to Find Out If Your Man's an Infidel.”

The National Enquirer says that the father of Khloe Kardashian is O.J. Simpson. When reached for comment, O.J. said, “Man, I just cannot catch a break.”

Late Show with David Letterman

A McDonald’s restaurant had a rat hopping around on the hamburger buns. They were quick to apologize. They said the rat was supposed to be in the fries.

I saw the videotape of the rat hopping around on the buns. The rat is wearing a hair net, so . . .

Everybody thought that Mitt Romney was the big Iowa caucus winner, but it turns out after the recount that Rick Santorum won the Iowa caucuses. You folks know what this means? Neither do I.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

In his last game, Tim Tebow suffered rib, lung, and chest injuries. He's expected to make a full recovery after he heals himself with his own hands.

I don't care about the Sundance Film Festival — mainly because I wasn't invited.

All the Hollywood fat cats are there. Coincidentally, my apartment is full of fat cats because I tend to overfeed my cats.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It was another beautiful day here in Hollywood. It was warm enough to wear a T-shirt, but just cool enough for the homeless not to smell.

The governor of Washington has declared a state of emergency, which would allow him to bring in the National Guard, which would allow him to hug people to keep them warm.

I used to live in Seattle. When it snows, it's hard to get around. But it can also be fun when you have a sled.

Last night on "American Idol," the show lost 18 percent of its total viewers and 26 percent of its younger viewers. Of those who did tune in, more than half were just checking to see if Steven Tyler is still alive.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Texas Governor Rick Perry officially dropped out of the race for president. Yeah, he just couldn’t get over that one campaign hurdle — you know, talking.

President Obama aired his first campaign ad of 2012, which promotes his record on clean energy. Obama’s a big environmentalist. In fact, for the election he plans to recycle the same promises he made four years ago.

Next week Obama will visit Iowa, Arizona, Las Vegas, Denver, and Detroit. Not because he’s campaigning, just because all he could afford was a Southwest flight with a bunch of layovers.

A new study found that 68 percent of Americans are overweight or obese. While the rest are both.

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