Tuesday Jan 17 2012

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

President Obama will be going to Disney World where he'll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?

Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver's license.

Newt Gingrich has released a new ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well, Romney is not the only one. John Huntsman speaks Chinese. Rick Perry, of course, speaks gibberish.

A cardiologist now says that former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards' trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don't all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition?


Wikipedia is going to shut down at midnight. So you have less than one hour to get most of your facts wrong.

At the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting. In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three dear and fired two elk.

It's being reported that a woman took her 5-year-old son along on a bank robbery. Apparently, she told the teller, “Give me all your money or I'm leaving my 5-year-old.”

Late Show with David Letterman

A couple days ago, a woman gave birth on the subway. How about that? I'll tell you what's even more common on the subway: people trying to conceive a child.

If you live in New York City, Burger King, home of the Whopper, now delivers. Well, think about it. I mean, some nights you just don't have the energy to get all dressed up and go out to dinner at Burger King.

At the first Republican debate, they were standing behind podiums, then they had them at a round table, and then one night they had them in bunk beds.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Wikipedia is going dark to protest a bill that's before Congress. I know what you're thinking: "If Wikipedia is dark, who'll supply America with bogus facts?”

This SOPA bill is aimed at going after Internet pirates. Not old-school pirates, but the modern pirates, who use hard drives.

On one hand, this bill threatens free speech, the bedrock on which this country is founded. On the other hand, it's supported by Viacom, which owns CBS.

The bill was cooked up by big studios who want larger fines for websites connected to piracy. People wonder why Hollywood makes such crappy movies and TV shows. It's because they spend all their time preventing people from stealing the crap they've already made.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I want to host the Miss America show next year. Right now, the hosts stand there and pretends the girls are making sense. I wouldn't do that.

I will only ask ridiculous questions like, “Miss Tennessee, the hippopotamus is said to be the most dangerous animal in the world. If one got into your hair, how would you kill it?”

It makes sense that we have a dumb Miss America, right? We're kind of dumb as a country. And we're also overweight. So, if we really want a Miss America to represent us, she should be fat, too.

Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is visiting Disney World on Thursday to promote a new plan to boost tourism. Of course, it's going to be awkward when he walks into the “Hall of Presidents” and sees them making room for Mitt Romney.

Obama doesn’t pay admission to Disney World. He just charges it to the China section of Epcot.

During a charity auction over the weekend, Donald Trump bought $12,000 worth of Tim Tebow memorabilia. Or as it was known on Monday, “15 bucks worth of Tim Tebow memorabilia.”

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